dawn

A tricky feeling…

“I feel like I have a lot left in me”

Sometimes I feel like I haven’t even started, and beyond that, I’ve given nothing good.

I’ve helped zero people with their struggles, I’ve given zero direct compassion, I have helped the species none.

I just, fight with myself..

I have focused, only on myself..

Which would be fine, if there was time remaining.

I’ve never died,that I know of, but I would imagine that a person close to death would still feel like they have a lot left.

(The precious time that bitch N*ggas be wasting–2pac)

I’ve given nothing.

The lessons were never learned and therefore, I have nothing to offer to a drowning soul.

I can see myself in others, I can look at them and imagine how it feels,,

But I’ve given nothing..

For that, I am ashamed.

I’m not ashamed of bombing in my blog, I’m not afraid of horrid confessions,I have zero problems taking a good look at how “wrong” it all is.

I’m ashamed that I never helped.

And I’m not trying to fly a fuckin virtue flag here, trying to have an actual moment..

(What did Jesus say?)

He said to remove the PLANK in your own eye before you try to help your neighbor remove the splinter in their eye..

(Solid statement)

Yeah.. pretty basic logic..

I’m feeling lonely, can we talk??

(do I have to?)

No… I guess not…

Plan B..

(Dear fuck n****, can’t believe I used to fuck witch ya)

No..seriously..

I go calm…..

In my mind I go to the woods, and there’s a campfire there. I turn the fire blue because blue is my favorite color, I sit Indian style.. and breathe,,, slowly, intentionally,,

(Alright Leo..)

Slowly in,,,hold it,, don’t think about the years of tobacco passing through the lungs, don’t visualize the oxygen molecules being absorbed by the alveoli.. breathe…slowly out…

(Justinnnnn)

I can’t hear you, I’m at the campfire, and I can hear the knots in the wood popping, I can see the little embers flying into the air,, breathe,,, I can smell the salty smoke, I can hear the cicadas in the trees… breathe….back straight, posture correct…

(You felt God once, when you were on heavy acid, and you were alone, when the Sun came up, you knelt and cried a real cry… when your head was hanging down, you felt a hand on the back of it…and when you lifted your eyes, everything was bright, you saw the love. You saw the love in everything, and the goodness, and the connection and the flow. You felt it within every cell of your being,, the most powerful sunrise of your life… all alone.. after a night of true hell, inside your own skull,,, you surrendered that morning,, all those years ago… you fucking cried)

“I remember that…”

Very powerful,, whatever that was… the mind is wired for spirituality, that’s been scientifically confirmed..

(Whose hand was that? Who comforted you in that dark place?)

I think it was the acid… the mind is so powerful, and it was a true nervous breakdown.

I started calling people I knew, and I told them I found God.

I took my drug stash, LSD,MDMA,POT,,

I flushed my entire stash.

I felt how disgusting cigarettes were and I flushed those too. I felt so ashamed that I had been hurting my body for so long, So incredibly ashamed, in that moment..

The sunrise..

The sunrise was so beautiful.

And I cried with everything I had.

Couldn’t call it “jesus” couldn’t call it Allah or whatever general was battling lord xenu, couldn’t call it Buddha, couldn’t call it Zeus,,

But something….

I was breaking the fuck down.

I was falling the fuck apart,,

Something,, even my own subconscious mind,, something reached out.

ANd all at once it said

“I see you”..

And I care.

And I love you.

And I believe in all the good things that you can be.

ANd I believe in the good in you.

And you’re here for a reason..

And you’ve never been alone…

The peace that I felt…

Like the opposite of a serial killer.

The level of release that poured out, my entire childhood, my teenage years, my repetitive self mutilations..

All of it was gone.

Following the most difficult night of my Life…

The most intense Peace and calmness, which doesn’t even make sense…

(Breathe,,,)

I’m still here, I’m at the fire,, it’s not blue anymore…

(I want you to think….)

I want to try…

(Why did you abandon that peace??)

Because I rationalized.

I chalked it up to being high as giraffe pussy on 7 hits of LSD. I talked myself into believing that it was only the drug and the solitude. I talked to Sam for hours on the phone that night, while she was states away, before we were together,, So heartbroken..

I chalked it up to vulnerability,,

(And you slid RIGHT back into the gutta..)

I did…

I really did.

That sunrise faded and I wanted it gone from my mind, so I wouldn’t feel the guilt of being such a pile of human garbage..

(But the sunrise forgave you for being such a pile of garbage.. it loved you anyway)

ANd that eye was too powerful.

Knowing that it saw all of me,,,

I felt what Adam felt when he realized he was naked. Like if the entire world went through your social media history for life, and if they found the absolute worst things you ever said,, like if they crucified you and buried you in shame..

(That sunrise loved you anyway..)

It did.

Fuck,, it really did.

This is difficult to think about…

(One down… two to go)

Let these weights be removed, let this cage be opened…

I will give everything..

I will do whatever it takes to get past this phase of my life..

Anything.

*the fire went out*

Breathe… alright.. I’ll leave ,,

Thank you for listening to me.

(You don’t give me much of a choice, asshole)

Still.. thank you