If you’re dialed in, then all the chemicals within , are sitting just right,
In the morning and the night.
No rage or regret from age,
No malice or bleak.
I picture a tub of liquids, and they each have a different color,
“Mix a little of this, a little of that, throw in a dash of why not?“
Maybe you have your inner psyche, the truest core of who and what you are, maybe it’s the person you’re forced to face on hallucinogens..
That person still floats in a vat of liquid color.
Argue with it, rationalize,make peace and try to give yourself a bit of love..
It’s still just the two of you..
(And a vat of chemicals)
People use the phrase
“Meds dialed in”
Meaning, under medical supervision, they tried this, tried that, mixed a bit of Wellbutrin, noted change and progress…
Look man…
My chems were never right.
I started out on Ritalin,
For years and years and years, amphetamine.
So i was an intoxicated child.
I developed under that.
Because I was too much.
Too many questions and too curious.
SO they drugged me…
And they took us out of school to teach us God’s truth,, not this man made bullshit…
My chemicals were never right.
And as I start on this journey, as an adult,, I notice pings.
I notice feeling things that were long dormant, and I notice rage and sadness amplified, and I also have to deal with your bitch ass.
(Got some pissed off babies trailing ya)
Because they wear the ego on the sleeve, and cutting a throat is nothing when the vulnerability is so obvious….
Trying to get it together,, and fucking around with some dancing monkeys…
No bother…
Not important…
Your feelings don’t affect,, your attacks don’t land like you want them to…
I’m trying to climb out.
Desperate to fix this, because I’ll die in here..
Circlewalking.
And I’m feeling deeper lows and angrier angers.
I notice the things I feel are amplified and it’s a little scary.
(And you keep dosing)
I do..
and the chemical bath is weird.
ANd you MUST keep yourself alive.
Must…
(Shake it off)
Aye.
Shake off whatever clouds roll in, because you know they’ll roll out…
I know they will..it’s just….
Dammit man.
When you’re in the middle of it, it feels very intense, feels like nothing will ever be good again and hope was a dumb thing in the first place.
Feels like nothing is funny.
And everything is empty and sad.
ANd I hate the world for what they are.
I’m so mad at it..
And it eats poop…
dawn 