dawn

I feel pretty fucking corny, counting the days I don’t drink.

So instead of doing that, I’d rather give you my word (my diary), that if I drink, I’ll admit it.

I don’t feel like it’s a problem, but I’m starting to understand that’s what makes it a problem. The subtlety of slow habit. It’s just too convenient, to go grab a bottle and drink alone after work. Or to stop at a bar and pound a few, not DUI levels, but when you get home, you naturally want the party to keep going.

There is no party.

I’m getting tired of this cocoon phase, just fucking words, but I mean it. On my mind a lot. I can remake myself and I can start by being honest. Acknowledge the mental gymnastics I use to rationalize destructive behavior. If I were truly stupid, it wouldn’t bother me … kinda fuckin bothers me.

So there’s your pep-talk.

corny shit.

I’ll admit it if I fall off, so I’m creating some degree of accountability, even if it’s imaginary, I will hold myself to my word.

no drinks today,for about a week. Burned a lot of calories carrying tools and materials up and down flights of stairs in buildings being built. 90′ degrees, no air, no walls, just insulation,wood and stone.Stagnant heat, Sweating like a bastard, every pore…My body still works, for now. We fix the head first, or at least start to. I’ve told more through this keyboard and poor sentence structures than I’ve ever told anyone, and it has helped a lot. So I guess I’m grateful that it went that way. Life is wild.