dawn

Usually you calm down after a few hours of unwinding, and it’s not even a matter of getting fucked up until you pass out, which I’ve done.

Just a balance.

Ebbs and flow….

Peaks and valleys and regulation of emotion and thought…

Once you’re out of work mode, the brain is ferociously looking around, looking to occupy itself.

It might go backwards in time, shoot back to a memory that bothers you.

Or it Might go forward, daydream about how things will be when things are finally “right”.

It might throw itself into a mindless activity. Run a few mission, kill some space bugs, drive a car super slow on a racetrack, grab some coins with a plumber..

Might get into shiny object mode.

Whatever material items are at your economical level.

I stand over my music gear like a proud god.

(A wasteful god)

Proud..

As the hours pass, and the emotional wave shifts from work to existence, to that time when you’re basically just waiting to go back to work, hopefully the pissy stank starts to waft away from your being.

ANd I’m not talking about having a buzz, I’m not typing this with a buzz, last micro dose was 6 or 7 hours ago and I’m just at cruising altitude,,

I’d say,,

I’d say if you’re lucky ,,you’ll veer into gratitude. And I talk with my mom and I sit with my cat who is slowly recovering from a cat cold, and I notice beyond even that.

I stand up, I walk around. I manipulate objects with my fingers, I pace and I think and I am completely able-bodied..

And I don’t fuckin deserve it.

I am not hungry or without shower, I am not in any noticeable pain,,,I have no debt.

None of the past mistakes have ruined what is. Nothing has killed me..

Handful of close calls, no fatalities.

Not over here.

ANd I know ,in my heart, that these niggas ain’t got no warrant cause I don’t break the fucking law!

I do not disobey the laws of humanity, I’ve been on the straight and narrow for a good while now..

On that,, I am in the right.

(Probably shouldn’t say niggas)

You probably shouldn’t tell me how the fuck I’m allowed to type in my diary..

(Alright, take it easy)

It’s a diary.

You can’t tell people what words they’re allowed to use in their own goddamn head!….

(Alright.)

You want to police my mind?

You want to set up a checkpoint and make sure my thoughts are ok with you?????

Make sure they’re using the right WORDS?????

(Alright…Continue)

Sigh…..

anyways….

I took the gratitude headspace, and the optimistic perspective, and I sat with the guitar that I’m so lucky to have, I sat and I played.

ANd I was satisfied.

And It was just right. Just lovely.

It was a big ,fat ,fuck you to all the haters. Fell into the slipstream and I stretched around.Swam around in free-form and felt like my best self, felt like the version that I actually like..

And I didn’t set out to do that.

I didn’t have to force it.

I just sat down in the mindset of being grateful.

For my job.

For my family.

For my cat.

For my few friends.

For my small number of material possessions.

All wrong..

I got it all wrong, which is no surprise, it’s kinda what we do.

(Often…)

I don’t have human interaction figured out, but what I do have figured out ,I have in spades.

American.

Might be an American thing.

To feel like a king or to say you are..

But I know.

I know I am.

And I shoulda been dead a long time ago.

And I’m still here.

(Fighting the darkness)

Piercing the mother fucking darkness,serpent head under heel.

Always.

(Always)

Try to be nice to me.

(I do)

(I just can’t let you strut ☺️)

Don’t be so fucking mean to me…

(Fair enough)

We’re rich.

(We really are)