dawn

Look man, I’m writing this down because I don’t take a lifelong friendship lightly.

You and I have been through it, and we know each other in ways that other people don’t…

I know that you understand me and after years and years, I hope you’d know that I understand you too.

And what you’re going through in this phase of your life is something that very few people are forced to face…

I think the world of you.

I think you’ve got the sharpest fucking brain, and one of the quickest, and I value all the awesome conversations we’ve had over the years.

I also think that you have difficulty regulating your emotions, and I think you feel things deeply and quickly.. and I think you’re forced to vocalize them because you feel like you’ll explode if you don’t.

I put a lot of effort into remaining at zero..

A cool exterior is bullshit unless the internals can keep that steady line.

For me.

I don’t want to throw away our friendship, and I’m not trying to threaten or convince, or pretend that I’m any better than you..

Because I’m not.

I don’t want to argue with you when you’re drinking.

I just, I see those emotions bubble up to the surface.. and because of your childhood, (and your father)

You have a deep well there.

And I think it’s fucked with your identity and I think it’s fucked with all the close relationships you’ve had over the years.

It’s ugly man,,,I know it is.

I still think that you have value you, and I’m incredibly proud of how far you’ve progressed..

Real talk.

We were wild ones, and we didn’t care about anything but selfish behavior..

And we threw ourselves fully into whatever felt good…

You do have value.

You do have virtue.

I just don’t want someone yelling at me because I disagree. Or I don’t disagree enough.

The back and forth is everything.

When I called you an angry drunk, I was trying to make a generalization, I just thought someone was yelling at me and I’m not into it.

I know you’re mad.

Mad at life.

Mad at the rich.

Mad at the ass fucking that the regular people take..

I know..

That is a virtuous trait you carry…

I just don’t want to be screamed at.

Drinks or no drinks.

I think as a conversationalist, you’re better on weed..

Or maybe we know each other so well that you feel like it’s fine to unload..

I just don’t want that man.

I think the world of you and if you want to take a year off, that’s fine.

I think it would be a shame to give up my best friend of 20 years.

My wish for you (and myself), is to process trauma, and move past it.

Even if it’s a motherfucker of a task..

They’re chains man, they’re chains hanging off both of us, and i think nothing will improve until we see them..

It’s a bitch.

Anyway..think about it.

I say from the heart that I wish you’d pause your alcohol intake, because I don’t think it’s the best version of you..

That doesn’t mean that I think you’re garbage,without value or talents…

Anyways..

That’s all I got man.

I’m not entirely cold hearted.

And I am proud of you.

And I’m sorry Adrian drank herself to death.

And I’m sorry your father is a dickface.

And I’m sorry you had to go through this shit..

I apologize for calling you an angry drunk.

I’m an asshole.

Just dislike that conflict vibe.. even if I poke.