dawn

I’d like to care.

And I would like to align as “good”..

She likes to talk about deeper level stuff, without drifting into the “woo-woo”.

All that gay stuff,

Emotional language,depression,escapism,

I can hang in those conversations.

Something I’ve been hung up on for a hot minute now..

“Transactional relationship”

Tit for Tat.

The motivation of X, is merely Y and Z.

Sounds like logic to me.

Why you do, those things that you do…

Even without considering heady topics like “responsibility” or “virtue”.

You do the things you do for you and I knew, you and you alone.

And that’s how it’s always been.

So…

You notice you’re wearing some pretty shitty clothes perhaps,

I’m very curious.

I’m not Good, but I am curious.

You want to take your toys apart to see how they work.

This female has done this at a much younger age than I, about ten years, she’s about ten years younger than me,

But she’s more mature.

Easily.

There’s a hand on the wheel and an understanding, and she puts psychotropic medication into her body every single day, because she understands herself.

An my erection becomes firmer and firmer.

“Look at you”

What a creature I have found, by total accident, I have so much respect for who you are and how you are. I’m not delusional enough to think you’d ever love me, but there’s something in your voice, there’s something in the way you talk to me.

We’ll table all that,

And we’ve talked friendly for a year or so, but I’m really curious of your personal journey.

And why, why you would set out to serve instead of gain..

It tickles your heart, and you feel something that goes past money.

I’ve become jaded, from fighting for so long. From running, from burning down the villages behind me,,

I’ve done this for a very long time, and it shows on me.

But you,,

You see something entirely different and I am beyond my own understanding of jealousy.

At this age, the only thing I have on my side is openness.

Talent is common.

Capability is a typical thing.

Drive is something most have in their back pocket.

I can’t speak to any of that.

But I can tell you where I’m at, and I can avoid deception in that act.

And she keeps wanting more, she wants to talk more and more.

With me.

She wants to laugh and she actually listens actively, and I do the same for her.

And it’s weird.

So…

There is no God,

But throughout my entire life, people have come in and out for these very specific reasons.

Things seeming beyond coincidence.

Or even art.

The exact words I needed, being sung directly into my ear.

Someone getting a laugh out of you during the depths of longing.

Coincidence???

Math is a motherfucker, you add enough numbers together and anything could happen.

Welcome to sober brain.

“How you guys doin? This is gonna suuuckkk”

lol—no cure for cancer.

I uh, I don’t even feel an itch to pour a drink, because I replaced it before I pulled the ripcord. Got more into Fauxpium .Maybe that’s how you beat specific addictions, you get addicted to something else..

But I won’t let them.

ANd I’m not going to get addicted to people either.

Because fuck you.

ANd the workweek I’m about to engage in,,,,this is fucked up,,,

I wish I was breaking rocks.

I wish I was doing a task that allowed me to turn my head off and utilize my aging body.

Just smashing fucking rocks.

Burn calories, think about whatever you want all day, get paid and hold down a life..

Play in your free time.

That’s the dream right?

You care to call that “unhealthy?”

Welll. Fuck you buddy.

You have to fit in.

You have to be a part of this, and that means listening to Dustin talk about his daughter’s rare genital lumps.

It’s just part of it.

If you want to exist in capitalism,, you have to listen to these motherfuckers,,

And you’re not allowed to kill yourself.

Thems the rules.