dawn

I’ve caught myself doing this thing in public, when I’m in a gas station or mall, or anywhere with crowds really.

I’ll hold my phone to my ear and mimic a conversation…but only when people are around. It’s weird, it’s a weird mechanism to deal with anxiety.

Someone’s eyeball lands on you and you’re dismissed, disregarded because you’re minding your own business.Doing your own thing.talking on the phone…. No judgements, no comparison bullshit, no nothing. Disregarded.

“there’s just another normal person, talking to someone on the phone, all is well”

Just me, moving lips and making casual hand gestures. Holding a phone,

It’s like, I don’t know what I’m supposed to be looking at. The ground? the ceiling? people’s eyes? Am I really supposed to walk around and make eye contact with every other human I cross paths with??? Eye contact isn’t my best trait, I did learn it (eventually) . I don’t think you should give your eye contact away for free. a homeless guy,,,holding a cardboard sign… “will make eye contact for money” And that’s how I learned the workplace.

Make eye contact, but always in the context of the situation. Don’t give the crazy eye to an employer, don’t give the fuck me eye to a bartender,etc…etc… etc.

I imagine most people don’t think about this shit. I’m working on it,,,I feel like I need something more radical. muh fuckin catalyst. That’s the word that comes back around, over and over. Catalyst. A list of cats. I wish you could buy a catalyst, a catalyst converter. Catalyst is tough…

Anywayssss. I’m stranded in the hotel for one more day. I really enjoyed making a dumb little diarrhea video for the internet. I have some gut feeling that tells me “making something” is attached to well-being. I don’t claim any of it to be good, nor do I have any shit fetish, it’s just something stupid. I’d like to change my entire life and personality but still make stupid.