I woke up extremely dehydrated, with a massive Pain in my stomach.
Feels like shit.
20 minutes on the can, incredible pain, lower intestinal, turned on the shower and lay down at the bottom of it.
Pain passed in roughly 20 minutes.
Of laying there in agony.
Eyes are bloodshot, skin has chills. Going back to bed.943am
Industrial pain increases when lying on your side.
1130- sore all over.
I want to bro the rlllll..
1212.
Jesus wept for a cigarette.
154 feeling better.
Stomach settled, still random cold chills and sweat beads.
201 pm.
Smoked a half a cigarette.
Sore muscles, withdrawal feeling behind the eyeballs, random pang of irritability.
Wishing death upon all mankind.
Might smoke a spliff.
2:23 feeling restless. Might go for a walk at the park
No spliff smoked
2:32 pm, niggas apparently still ain’t got no fuckin warrant.
Sore neck,sore back of the shoulders. Lethargy.
Awake and needing to occupy mind. Maybe video games, maybe music, maybe Hulu.
Sunshine feels too bright .
Too bright for today.
2:37 glad I told the truth. The truth always feels good.
3:07 irritable again,wanna stab you in the face, cuddled with my cat instead. Made a coffee, watching lockup shows on my phone.
Pacing has begun
3:11
Considering the similarities to modern life and the Weimar Republic.
For freedom! For democracy.
Saw video on YouTube, an animation of people in Gaza and something to do with Pepsi-Cola.
It has perplexed me all day
3:19 cold sweat again
3:30 absent-mindedly folded my penis like an accordion with my left hand. For the dexterity practice 👍
3:33 pretty bad headache, Might reconsider a spliff
5:04pm I woke from a nap in which I dreamed about a multi-level bakery with layers of plastic wrap between them. And it was
a cat-friendly bakery, with multiple levels.
5:11 pm. Still sleepy, thought about how incredibly homosexual professional wrestling is. What a gay pastime . I can’t believe there’s straight men that enjoy watching it.
Life is crazy.
Nothing against homosexuals.
Professional wrestling seems really really really stupid.
5:12 decided to go back to sleep, understanding that I’ll be up all night with this s***
5:16 completely sick of the world and hoping they all die.Feeling good about quitting all outside voices.
Good decision.
5:27 had one cigarette and a coffee, thought about the god Achilles being dipped into the river sticks by his heel.
Thinking about rolling a spliff.
Sobriety is more brutal than any metal song.
5:28 vented hatred for all you mother fuckers..
5:45 watched a YouTube video of an army captain that stole a tank and went on a rampage.
Major problems for law enforcement.
Decided to roll a spliff.
Barely thinking about kratom and the last 4 months.
548pm. Rolled a spliff. Thought about how much James Cameron liked Whales. He likes whales as much as I like cats.
6:09 blazed a half a spliff and started pacing. Combusted two cigarettes during. Thought about the fact that it’s becoming how intoxication effects. Pacin’ and smokin’,, pretty relentlessly. Thought parade.
Regretted smoking a spliff.
Opting to occupy my mind instead of pace and smoke.
6:26, went back to pacing but worked on rewiring the connection. Pacing is good, pacing and smoking is bad. Relentlessly think is good, relentlessly inhaling carcinogens is bad. If you wanted to rewrite the addiction, you could associate pacing as a positive.
Because it’s walking. It is tirelessly banging out steps while the head does its thing. Isolated.
But here’s the mindfuck.
If you could just point in one direction, instead of reversing every 20 feet, then you’re just walking.
What you give up is solitude.
If you go walking in the park, there well be other people there, and that ruins everything.
BUt the thought, pace without smoking.
I think the answer is tucked into there.
Get hyper addictive on productivity.
The entire game.
The physiological connection.
Gonna go back out there.
6:42- If you’re standing up straight,you’re drinking it in. You can feel everything and you can notice everything. The sun, the shade, the breeze, the sounds. Birds and shit. A dog barking in the distance.
When you’re clear you have access to that.But you have to be standing up straight.
dawn 