dawn

My friend decided to start seeing a therapist.

Wise, I suppose that’s a wise choice in his position, I mean,,

It’s pretty tragic and traumatic, that whole thing,,

If I try to exercise empathy, and see it through his eyes,, ughh, there’s this one detail that saturates..

I won’t get into it.

Not sure how I would behave under those circumstances, I’d probably want to talk to someone too.. he’s tough though, he’ll make it through.

The scenario takes you back to the concept of therapy, put a vice on that walnut shell you call a skull,

Squeeze the mother fuck out of it and see what comes out,,,

I dunno man, dangerous business but on the other hand, there has to be a reason. There’s always reasons, just takes something jarring to make you think about it.

What was it?

Alonon , al-oh-non,

Something about, codependent spouses of alcoholics, these people that always attract this one thing, and there’s all kinds of symptoms, caretaking, a bizarre relationship with food, uhhh perpetual infirmary, something about people that love the attention being sick brings, gets psychological.

I know a bit about that.

Something in you that’s addicted to broken toys, because, dear victim, you’re a broken toy too.

This unsaid thing, this weird pull,,,

I done seent it mayne, I really have, I’ve seen people latch on to people with their exact same defects. Like circle gets the square, like every consumable has a tool somewhere out there, every screw a screwdrivers, every nail a hammer.

They seek out this shit and I did too.

The escape the best they can,

My boy is no junkie though. Not for the intoxication we all know and love, loves his pot, enjoys some Miller Highlife,

But he really,,,really really loves love.

Those butterflies you get in the stomach at first meet.

All the pylons that build that bridge of “relationship”.

He gets a few years in, and he realizes the structure is all fucked up, and he chose poorly and can’t figure out why.

Poor guy.

My solution isn’t any better, coldness and sincere detachment , but he and I still have a few traits in common.

We both survive.

For me, if it falls apart it’s like coming outside in the morning and seeing your cat lying dead in the road.

Sad, painful, hurtful to the bone,

Also nature.

Also that natural progression of things.

It’s how it goes, down here on this rock.

Death comes and you’d better be prepared for it,

(But don’t salivate at the thought)

No,, not at all.

Death is the price of admission down here, you come in knowing how it will end, so you do what you need to . You carry on.

(Ice cold)

Defense mechanism.

Detachment is a defense mechanism so you don’t have to feel, just like intoxication, just a method, just a trick, just a move of cowardice.

(Talking to someone?)

I dunno man,,, it’s because we bring capitlasim into it,

That’s someone’s fucking job.

It’s their god damned job to sit there and listen to you cry, to act like they give a fuck.

That’s for money.

That’s a job.

To listen to your shit.

I felt guilty, going in to talk to that smart girl, trying to open up and lay out my bullshit,, and she,,,and she,,,and she

(She pretended to give a fuck, and you saw it)

Yeah,,, I don’t fault her though.

I watched her and realized ,,,

(You’d be better at her job than she would)

I feel that way a lot, I see someone do a thing and I think

“Go fuck yourself, I could do that thing better than you”

(The scary part?)

Sometimes I’m right lol.

Sometimes I know I’m right.

(Ego)

Knowledge.

Experience.

You can’t buy that.

( your friend)

I feel for my friend, and I love him, I don’t love a lot of people. I really do. I hope he wins. I think he will. Tough fucker.

It’s good to talk and I tried to explain,,, a blank page is your best friend if You’re good about it.

Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion,

ANd at least 20 thousand people died in the time it took you to read this,,,soooooooo.

So time is short, and so fragile,, so fucking fragile.

Also you’re a fool if you spend money on betterhelp.com, they do not care, they do not want to help, nobody gives a f*** about you, so fit in, take it in, breathe it in deep. Drink it like water, nobody gives a fuck about you