dawn

It’s better to listen.

Because what do you know?

What do you really know?

But,after listening for a long while… I realize… that they don’t know either.

Not for the most part.

I think people like to hear themselves talk and they don’t really know how it looks.

Dustin came to the office with his family, on their way to his son’s funeral home..

And everyone had to stop,and go Stand and listen to him .

For an hour.

Standing up till your legs hurt..

And after years and years, I’ll say it.

He’s a smart guy, with a good heart….

But he can’t articulate…at all.

So he’s just rambling on and on and on, and because of the family atmosphere where I work…

It’s required.

It’s required to stand there for the entire hour and take it on the chin .

And I start feeling like a sociopath, the office ladies are crying and sniffling, as he recounts every grim detail…

And there I am,, looking at the people around me.. wondering how I’m supposed to act..

So there was a break in his monologue, and there was a minor lull and he brought spirits up a bit, people chimed in… heartfelt feelings and well wishes..

And he said “I just want to thank all of you for the text and emails..”

And I chirped in

“hey, can you submit a permit for me real quick?”

Joking.

Talking job shit when he’s in his tragedy shit,and it got a laugh..

From most.

But the HR guy Michael, he acted like I had desecrated a grave..

Super duper christen, The kind that takes it far too seriously..

Hey man,it was a lull, I was trying to lift the vibe of the sad sad room.

It’s not legally required, for me to be on the clock and have someone sadgasm all over my face .

I am NOT required to respond the way you respond.

It ain’t my fucking job..

It’s not..

I was lighting the darkness, and people felt it, his own family laughed,, I was just tired of sitting in that bleakness with him, for forty five, uninterrupted moments..

I feel for him, I do.

Lost his firstborn son on his birthday..

But the cold side of me?

He was doing nearly a hundred in rainy weather, without his seatbelt.

He was driving like an asshole, plain and simple..

And I’m sorry I don’t feel things like other people, I’m sorry 😔

But standing there, I realized that I would never want this to happen for me.

I would never ever want people to stand around and mandatorily be sad.

Mandatorily ground the vibe into dust..

My ghost would have to kill itself.

It would have to…

Nothing would make me feel worse, then people feeling bad.. I would even rather villain it up, Make people hate you..

I would rather do that than what I sat through today ..

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I feel like that.

On a real level I wish it didn’t happen to you, I do.

But every moment of that somber environment, I’m acting.

I’m looking around and trying to see how people feel, and read their faces, and I’m trying to mimic it.

Because I have difficulty.

Ugh… FAMILY.

Why does your workplace have to be your family?

Why is it mandatory that I have to form deep connections with these people?

Why is that what normal people do at work?

I think that’s some southern shit, I don’t think people everywhere behave that way.

I actually think it’s some Christian workplace shit.

Virtue signaling, but on a peer-to-peer level.

Ooohhh look at meeee,do you see how much I CARE?

Check out my currency, me being a good person, under the eye of God, gives me value.. and purpose.

And if you’re not doing God’s work as much as I am, you are completely fucking up this life 🧬

That’s the Christian vibe, In a nutshell…. Around here.

That’s the version of judgment that exists here, there’s all different kinds in all different places, but here?

You are judged by how much of a quote unquote good person you are,,gooood perrrrson.

Walking with God.

Letting his light shine through you.

All that stuff..

(break the mold?)

I realize it is an extremely arrogant thought, but I think your perception of God is faulty.

Disregard the argument of whether there is a God or is not a god, skip that..

It’s YOUR God,that I have a problem with.

It’s the one that YOU conjured.

(they’ll never understand that)

I know.. makes you a heretic and a lunatic..

And it’s sad.

A life drain,,, trying to make White Jesus happy.

I think it’s a waste of life.

(find your own God?)

Or read a different book, whatever it takes man.. just stop fucking with the rest of us.

Just knock it off, please…

I’m a hang out with my cat.. he don’t worry about none of dis..

Not a bit ..

Never even enters into his little kitty cat mind..

Lil Cricket Man..

Being cool as fuck, while the world perpetually loses its mind..