dawn

I told my mom

“Watching you these past two years has materialized a new fear in me”

I am afraid of becoming you.

And I said “we are two creatures,,of extreme neglect,,,avoidance”

And she agreed, but as always she falls back on victim mode.

“I gave 30 years of my life to Nursing… I’ve held babies and old people as they died,, I played by ALL the rules.. I got just enough to live after My husband realized how much I fucking suck…so I can sit here…and drink..”

Every fucking day.

Every cocksucking ass motherfucking day!!

She complains about her body falling apart, as she sips on poison…

I would say to her..

“I know you believe in God,,, I know you still keep a relationship with that book….How do ya think Jesus would feel about your self destruction?”

Think he’d be cool with it?

Think he would say

“Fuck it Patti, you worked your entire life,, you earned the end years to be a debacle”

Ohhhh god damn,,,,

Sorry to vent….

So like, I got this energy kick, I think it’s from stopping the antidepressant so abruptly….

So Im moving,,and I’m looking around,, And I can’t believe how far things have slipped.

Can’t believe how far we’ve let ourselves go…

YOU SEE!!!!???????

(Getting warmer..)

Comfort.

Comfort is a more life destroying substance than anything I found on the street..

Where’s the numbers on that?

Where’s the data nerds???!!

How many lives end this way….

Oh god damn…how long ma?

I think there’s a part of you that knows it’s torture.

Dub thee “not only an unfit mother, but an unwell human”

And self aware of the choices, we’ve spoken directly…..

Alright… I’m chilled..

I did take some Fauxpium.

Don’t worry this entry.

This is so hard and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it, and I can’t be close to people. And sometimes I wish the Earth would be hit by an asteroid.

Nothing changes, I’m aware,

Venting it helps me. I’m sorry it’s like that. I wish I had something more useful. But it actually does help in my tender little Carolina heart.