dawn

A junkie too, but more polar.

Meaning,I don’t t-total,not really, I just can’t be without something.

And I wouldn’t do a line of coke, maybe I would,but I wouldn’t buy it

Nah I wouldn’t.

Same with whiskey.

It’s around,I don’t want it.

I’ve said it before,the real deterrent of hard drugs, is the people you have to know to get hard drugs.

Bleh, shit’s for the birds.

I’m not trying to sort out your problems fuckface,I’m trying to sort my problems.

This might come as a shock,but everything isn’t about you.

I know.

Radical thought.

I can’t continue, but I get so very sad when I think about giving up the spirit. The novelty and ridiculous.

Makes me sad.

Knowing that’s what we live in.

Giving up your hands and heart if it doesn’t earn.

Bleh.. so sad.

YouTube fed me a video of this old lady, and her house was destroyed by a tornado.

3 cats and she saved two.

Everyday she returned to the wreckage of her home, the pieces of her life. And everyday she searched for the lost feline.

And then a miracle.

During this news interview, when a team was dispatched to film and document her story… The cat showed up.

And she was so truly happy, on some shit that you can’t fake, on some shit that transcends the bullshit you’re on about..

I have everything now.

Standing in a pile of wreckage, reunited.

Now,,,

Is this a testament to loneliness?

Is it sad that these 3 cats are all this lady has?

I don’t think so, it was real love. Whatever the motivation,, can’t fake it.

(we grow attachments to these creatures)

And I love it 💕

I love them and they’re so pleasant to be around.

I wish I wasn’t bipolar.

But I’m glad I can feel that deeply. On some positivity shit. Some love and peace because that’s the best.

Not winning.

Not conflict or combat.

Not chest beating or stalking down a transgressor.

All that shit dumb.

It’s really stupid.

(and easy)

For real, easy to fight.

(tied to “mood”)

Without a doubt.

It’s really stupid.

Finding your lost pet after a tornado destroys your life is cool.

That other shit stupid.

My bad.

I wouldn’t do a line of Coke.

I would eat a half a Xanax, 👍

I also like crazy,I like fuckin around in there, but it’s ,it’s uh it’s uh,,

Neither stable nor consistent.

(and the world doesn’t like it)

No it does not 🤣

So you spend gigantic energy on appearing normal, And it takes a lot out of you.

I’m probably going to go with the vertical setup for my pedal board, I think that’ll look really interesting and you can do it on a desktop setting.

Just these shelves of active petals, and I could place the master switching system on the floor, with a quality buffer for the cable lengths etc.

I’m really leaning towards the vertical paddle board setup.

I could put fake plants all around it, that would look really neat.

I dunno.

That girl wrecked me and intentionally destroyed my name.

As a sympathy tactic.

To make other people view her in the light of victimhood. Man, That’s not what happened.

It’s uh,it was..

A very slow torture, to my heart. Years.

So picture that old lady finding her cat after the tornado, but the people filming intercepted and captured it.

Then they tortured it right in front of her.

Use your imagination, I’m not.

That’s what it feels like in some relationships. Like you finally found this thing that’s real and you watch this game unfold.

And as a bystander ,there goes the thing that you love, and the wave comes back and it sinks into you. Settles into the chest. And you would rather feel nothing.

Like it tries to take a piece of you..

I don’t know.

That was really stupid, more stupid than using an online diary.

Emotional stupidity.

And I don’t know what’s right, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or if there is any purpose at all, But I do know I never want to do that again.

I don’t think I have it in me.

I do love her, and I’ll always love her, but I can’t . Can’t let the rest of you die.

Super sad, sad as a muh fucka,

(matters not)

No, there’s a lesson in everything. Should be.

And you won’t survive if you don’t know yourself.

(how’s it going?)

Just thinking 🤔 like always, I have 4 days off, let us shake the blues, let us have some fun.

(You should be thinking about responsibilities dope)

I know..

Please don’t try to make me sad.

I just want to think about old ladies finding their beloved cats,

(pretty wholesome)

Yeah.

I don’t care.

That world out there is nasty as fuck,24/7.

I feel where I can.

(xyu)

(Don’t judge someone at their worst)

Try

Try not to do that.

Conflict is stupid, nothing righteous or judicious in most contexts.

I would say 99% of fights don’t need to happen at all.

(a few do)

True .

It’s acceptable to get captivated in true crime stories, or serial killers. We stare at them and wonder how a brain could be like that.

The Holocaust was a billion times worse, in terms of humanity, and whatever you consider ethical to be.

It’s not an interest, it’s more of shock and awe.

That story outdoes all serial killer stories put together, in terms of casualty.

War in general.

Fucking around with real body counts, desensitized to all participants, only guarding your own way of life.

Freaks me out, makes you feel helpless, makes you want to play with a taboo and try to make other people feel funny things too.

But it’s not cool, it’s nothing cool about it.

At least the Unabomber had believable message behind his motivations.

The Holocaust is just wow.

Large like a meteor.

You stand outside and look at it and go “wow”

(that’s enough typing .)

Yeah, probably enough 👍

Alright.

I’ve no challenge, The only hurdle is myself and there are zero stakes.

(here we go…)

No, you don’t understand.

You don’t understand.

There’s nothing there.

(hope)

Desolate.

Nobody knows.

I don’t tell anybody.

(brain chemistry)

Yea.

It’s just a lot.

(dead horse)

I know, I’m just telling you.

(why would you tell me? I’ve been here the whole time)

I know,, just,, sayin..

(fux it matter? Just shut the fuck up)

Alright..

Don’t let your spirit die..

(shut the fuck up!

I’ll Kill your spirit myself!

Shut the fuck up!)

Alright….

If Christians make up their own crazy shit, then I think you’re completely free to make up your own crazy shit.

But the rule is, You can’t tell anyone about it.

You can conjure up your own explanation for life, You just can’t push it on other people.

(have we reached this point of the evening?)

No, it’s a good point.

You can’t deny a deficit of spirit or spiritual matters. Even if it’s 1,000% delusion, Even if science is all there is or can be.

Ultimately you don’t know.

So there is a void left in your psyche.

And it felt really good to be a kid and believe in it and talk to an imaginary person .

Maybe happiness lying. I don’t I wish I could be that close to science, there’s just no one to talk to. I can’t send conversations in my brain to a Microsoft computer.

Not yet anyway.

And if artificial intelligence is an amalgam of all people currently living?

I don’t think I’d have anything to say to it.

I’ve already picked up your vibe.

Star King sounds way more fun to talk to.

I realize that it’s all silly, I understand how the whole thing looks.

You’re still left with a deficit.

Empty spot.

(give God the first portion of your income- ICP)

Yeah man..

Infallible 🤣🤣

Peace that passes understanding 🤣🤣

The lion will lay down with the lamb.

(and all war will stop)

You can’t tell me, you can’t tell me that it’s the worst thing to believe in.

It’s a stretch, But there are some points in there.

(shut it )

Alright..

(I want to go on a silent retreat,)

Oh Jesus,, you mean being stuck in here?

Duck no.

(nah, you could document it, try to search out the voodoo you clearly lack)

Mmmm.

I don’t know.

(a good shot at quitting smoking)

Just sit there silently and think about nothing but cigarettes for an entire week.

Visualize them in your hand.

Meditate but only meditate to the marble Marlboro Man, megalithic and malevolent, mocking mooks mercilessly, meditating on malice and misery, moving meaninglessly , mostly meandering,, Memphis to Minneapolis. Mutant minions morphed, Qtip friendslist dwarf,scag mountain.

Scarred.

Bad fountain,cars.

Cleaver a believer outta ya,

Sally sauntering towards sea shells.

Some shit about a sea shore.

She’s flexing, showing off beach life and mentality .

Can’t hate on it, It’s probably skin cancer involved but you really can’t fault someone.

And that popular phrase that makes me want to smash my face with a hammer

“living their best life”

You are implying that there are other ones. You are spewing Buddhist propaganda!

You’re suggesting that we live more than once!

(stupid)

Yeah…

Best life…

Motivational mother fuckers telling you that you can.

Then you open the front door and the world punches you in the dick..

(that’s what they’re there for)

Ug ,my penis.

Thou hast struck me.

Dick punching ass world 🌎

(but not really,cause it’s all in your head)

Yeah…

It really is me.

I am the problem.

But I can be fun..,

(obnoxious,you can be obnoxious)

Which is half the fun.

It’s fun to try and stir.

Try to cook.

Plant a fuckin tree!

I like that.

(you must)