dawn

I was nocturnal, even as a child..

I would sneak to the TV in the middle of the night, turn it on and lower the volume until you barely heard.

Then I would neurotically watch the home shopping show.

Jewelry, clothes, knives, electronics…

Hosts with smiles and bright eyes, at two o’clock in the morning..

The world was asleep, but you and I?

You and I are here, and we’re looking at polished Stones, glimmering..

There’s a red one, oh look! There’s a blue one,, and they’re all on a circular table and it’s rotating..

I was caught many times.

Pat would beat my ass on the spot, he’d yank me up by my arm, then he’d beat.

Then he’d scream, tell me to go the fuck to bed.

Then I’d hide under my covers, and I’d cry, and I’d calm down and the cat would enter the room..

He’d come be with me.

I still never slept.

I just stared at the ceiling, listened to the softly playing Bible cassettes…

“one day I’ll buy that pretty blue rock, and it’ll be all mine… And I’ll have a collection with little display cases.. And people are going to be really impressed.. They’ll think I’m cool”

And I’d cry some more.

Because I lived with a hateful gorilla of a man.

Someone who hated me.

And if that was my role model of a man… Then I assumed all men were assholes and monsters..

I assumed they all behaved like that..

But not my uncle’s, not my cousin’s,, none of that happened at their house, so I always wanted to be over there. Always wanted to be where the love was..