dawn

That itch for attention.

It might be age, but I notice it more and it’s always been. What makes it different is the fact that it’s all of us now, we all hear it and we all see it.

Talent was a prerequisite in the old days,

Had to be good, you had to be good to be heard, not just slick.

Bullshitters get the same mic now.

The motivation is usually money, just like it always was, the difference is there’s no product now. Thought itself was never a commodity, nothing useful in unpolished stones or unedited rambles.

Now it’s content.

Now you’re some shit to observe while another monkey takes a shit. The motivation is,,, i dunno, probably shady,, and I started doing this because I wanted to bleed,, and then,, I don’t fucking know.

Too weird, too god damn weird, and I like it weird, but this,,,I dunno.

Not what I wanted.

I’d rather know the right reasons and exist accordingly, I can’t be anonymous in this day and age, I can’t be anything but another voice looking for attention and that kinda disgusts me.

Doesn’t matter how good you are.

I only like groups in small doses, expressing yourself online is like being with a group of people 24/7.

So the act might be ruined.

If I can’t be free then I don’t want to be anything at all.

I’m not trying to make friends.

I’m not trying to earn,

I just wanted to talk because I felt like I needed to, everyone gets to talk now and that’s the bitch of it,you don’t even have to be good,,so maybe there’s a lesson in it.

Leave people the fuck alone.

DO not follow strangers .

The group gets to take whatever they want and they’ll take whatever you let them, even your place to talk…

Major bummer.

Makes me feel fucking wounded and I wonder if I only exist on fuck you. If the only thing that keeps me alive is that fact that you can’t do anything about it.

Which is a little funny,,,,

No one’s business is my business, empathy is real but it’s not your job to take on everyone’s struggle.

No one can.

So leave them , do your best to figure it out, I don’t need to be on Instagram. I don’t need to see the pretty faces or the pretty lives. I don’t need to be on Twitter, I don’t need to hear hot takes on whatever the topic of the day is. I don’t need to be on Facebook, I don’t need to be “red-pilled” and persuaded on values.

I do like YouTube, lol, lots of cool live concerts, hard to find stuff.

I’ve reached my fill on self help though, I don’t want annnny more motivation attempts, I don’t need a stranger trying to explain why I’m fucked up, I don’t have to justify shit.

And I know the score..

I don’t like them enough to want to entertain them.

That’s the difference.

That can’t be faked.

And I’m not interested,

I have to deal on my own and it’s not a matter of rock bottom, it’s a matter of a reboot and restart, for that, some hard choices must be made.

Trust your heart I guess.

Can’t trust the state, can’t trust the church, can’t trust the news, can’t trust dysfunctional parents, can’t trust unhealthy loves, can’t trust obsessions or interests , can’t trust the dollar,

You can trust some artists.

I suppose,

I can’t think of anyone else that deserves it, because we’re all fake as fuck out here,

I don’t tie prosperity to it, and the world doesn’t owe you shit and the mother fucker is not fair.

Child logic.

I like laughing at what a child would laugh at sometimes, or noticing something pretty or some warm feeling like a young person would,, I hope that doesn’t die,,,

Just tough, it’s a tough thing,,

I’ll be fine, everything flows and comes in waves, it’s all alright and sadness doesn’t own me.

There’s a shitload of work to do and my mind is drained at the end of each day, just from chasing a buck.

Maybe those homeless folks do have it figured out, and I definitely need to let my mom die alone. Perverted as it is, I think I need some more isolation, less time around people, less connection, less external noise.

Because they’re the worst, and a hassle to be in proximity to. To listen to.

Alone is better…..

———————-

I’m wrong, about all that. Just felt like saying it. Just a mood . A waste of time to you, but not to me. ANd maybe that’s the lesson.

The Bible is very complicated, and not a great read, or a “fair” story.

I think it’s time to rethink the whole thing.

I’d like to see the next generation grow out of that, maybe peace in the Middle East after a few generations of abandoned old religion, no one is murdering for Buddhism , capitalism sure,

A mind that can .isn’t always a mind that does.

And right is always right, and evil be damned,

And that’s why I’ll never be in prison,

Because I’ll never kill or steal.

I have less but I earn it, I talk a lot of shit but I try to not bother others,,

Kids are great, people are also endless consumers, so it’s a conflicted subject I suppose.

Some blood should not carry on, I mean that, some blood should not keep going. Maybe it was put here to learn what it needed to and that’s it, that’s the entire point of life. For you blood to sort out what it’s supposed to before moving on. Epiphany, revelation.

I should never be followed, taken seriously or even listened to,,not really.

What is typed would never, ever,ever be what’s said…but hey….

At least I have a place for it.

Animals are cool.

Loving yourself is cool.

Caring is cool.

Vanity and ego both need to be stomped out.

Expression feels very good,

Forgiveness is very good,

You don’t have to like the group to hope they do well. You don’t have to love humanity to hope it wins.

The world would be waaaay better with 50 years of gene editing .

Can you meet me in the middle on this one?

How about, voluntary ,,,,but free.

No cost to the applicant,,

We could fix all the sick people with enough time,,,so what’s the hurdle?

WHat’s the holdup?

No one makes money off it..

Cocksucking mother fucking money,

There’s like, an active cure for hereditary mental disease right on the horizon buttttttttt,,,,,

It’ll never happen.

Because of cost.

Kinda hilarious you guys ,,

Kinda funny,,,

You can’t fix childhood trauma but you could literally fix the blood, no more biological crazies out there,,,

But it won’t happen,, and that’s just the way it goes.

I like thinking, it’s fun and that’s it.

That’s it,,,, all it is.

No one can do wrong as well as I can.

And you can’t make me like privileged white rappers, I had to live through the early 2000’s, white dudes walking around speaking black, dressing black,,,, what an embarrassing time to be a young white male,, it was a real problem,,,super embarrassing . I’ll never let it go, that’s how bad it was.

ANd that’s all I have to say about that- forest gump ..

This blog is dumb,,,

Boring,,,,

The realization returns me to the roots of it,, and I want to be free.

Free of metaphorical demons and it takes effort. I’m venting and When I’m ready to listen to the external I know all the answers will be there.. that’s nice,, I hope it’s soon.

I need a head explosion…but still…

I work, I kill it,, I earn enough,I’ve been in such darker places,,real talk,,,,, I’m unsatisfied but so are most,,, tell everyone they’re a star and no one will dig your fucking ditches.

Jesus worked construction and probably heard all kinds of funny jokes,,,not one of them was mentioned in the Bible.

I’m nobody,,, but I’m free