dawn

Audience capture.

I’ve heard the term before but I’ve never known what it meant.

Far as I can tell,

You know you’re being heard, so instead of thinking up shit freely, you end up thinking up shit tailored to whomever might be listening.

Which defeats the purpose of thinking freely.

It feels like a death sentence to flow.

Annnnd..

I feel it in myself.

And it’s cancer.

You shouldn’t care. You shouldn’t care what anyone thinks. You should not bite your tongue, you should not point out how skewed and fickle an audience might be.

That…

That is the opposite.

The opposite of the point.

It feels like an insult to thought.

The opposite of the joy of being free.

I’m really disappointed in myself for that, and ultimately it’s your fault, but that’s fine.

Regular people are ill prepared to be heard, and you can’t really blame them.

But a death to playfulness might as well be a concrete death.

And the entire thing out there is grey and it’s pale and it wants to eat you…

I….

I want you to be gone.

But more than that, I want you to not matter, because I know in my heart that you don’t.

ANd you could sling a bit of mud here, but I don’t want that either.

I will fail and I will flinch, but I will not stop.

Not for the likes of you.

Not for anyone.

That’s not how it works in here.

You’re inside my mind.

And the reality of not being alone has driven me more insane than being alone would..

Also I’m a junkie…

So the whole fuckin thing is unstable.

I’m pissed off.

Pissed off that my freedom of speech has been infringed upon by a potential audience..

Grosses me out.

Makes me want to get rid of you.

Maybe just need some time to think and to heal so you can be natural again.

You bitch ass mother fuckers lol.

You won’t beat me.

You can watch life try, but you?

No sir.

No ma’am.

Better opponents than you have tried.

ANd you have experience that I don’t, but I could say the same.

I’m really angry that you live in my dick hole.

It’s tough to get over…

And you won’t let me pretend that you’ve left..

So just leave..

I want to get back to the portal.

I want to be able to bleed freely because that’s the real enjoyment of it. That’s where the real shit is.

A place where you can be honest, honest with your ugly self.

A place to fight the important fight.

All that shit….

I feel extra defeated.

Like I gave that up.

Hurts me immensely.

Makes me want to fight.

In the purely psycho logical sense, in the imagination ,,

All that stuff….

Would the world smoosh a nobody?

For sure they would.

Specially if a nobody started saying things. ANd it’s not surprising,,just disheartening..

Go..

Entertain.

That’s not the value in here.

It’s no threat to you.

I’ll get up again, but you?

You’ll be playing to the same crowds. You’ll be afraid to venture out. You’ll be doing the same shit.

Fuckin hate loosing.

Hate it..

ANd you think I’d be used to it by now, but it always stings..

But that’s alright.

I’m not dead yet.