dawn

My health insurance is about to kick in, starting in June, and I’ve made a promise to myself to give psychotropic medication a chance.

Just so I can get away from self medication, to at least try,

Try to do it without pot,booze or this Kratom extract stuff.

Problem is, I don’t even know where to go.

How to find a doctor, and express in an honest way,

“Hey,,,I’m fucked up and there’s a long backstory.. I can print out my diary or you can give me some pills,,,just to get started”

I had a doctor a few towns over, but the company changed insurance plans (downgrade), so that guy isn’t my doc anymore..

I still pay the same amount, funny eh?

Anyways,,

I’ll sit down with the guy and say

“Look… you can’t give me anything that will fuck me up, because I’ll ratchet and I’ll abuse it”

Xanax works, truly, deeply, but I can’t have a bottle of Xanax.

I know diet and exercise is the right answer, yeah yeah yeah, I don’t even like myself enough to start.

Don’t give two fucks about this guy.

Just want to lay in bed, until I’m dead.

Hang out with the cat, sleep and sleep some more,

Just want to die…

So…Doc….

What do you prescribe?

I’ve got an entire lifetime of chemicals under my belt, there’s physiological issues and I can’t dig out this time…

What’s the answer?

I was diagnosed bipolar and told that antidepressants wouldn’t work for me.

That doc didn’t give a fuck though, so it may be wrong,,or I might be legit broken..

So,,,,

What’s safe?

What happens if after a week, I decide to carry an extension cord out into the woods?

Could we uh,,could we try to avoid that?

What chemical,,do you put into this brain ?

I’m open to suggestion.

Because I’ve been hoping that the world burns.

I’ve been hoping that everyone dies.

Been doin some hard hatin’ .

So what chew got?

What are we willing to start with, and can I afford it? Because you’re a racket too and your line of work is critical, and they know that.

SO they can charge whatever they want.

I hate you….

But after I’m well, maybe I could try trying. I could try to help other people.

I could post up in grocery store parking lots and help old ladies load their groceries. I’m down.

Maybe I could volunteer at a no-kill animal shelter.

Maybe I could see how that felt,, ya know, getting out of your own fucking head.

Mother fuckers say they got the medicine, well… you win bitch.

What do I have to do?

Cause I hate being alive and I hate looking around.

And I’m not wrong…

ANd that’s the problem..

Drug me up toots.

I don’t need my hands.

I don’t need imagination , causes nothing but pain.

I don’t give a fuck and I can’t even love.

So… whatcha got?

What’s the pill.

I need help.

I need help to at least start in the right direction, because I’m gong to die here,,What’s the pill doc?

Wellbutrin?

Prozac?

(Diet and exercise?)

I need intoxication gone and I need cigarettes gone.

What in the mother-fuck-god-damned-popcorn-cunt do I have to swallow for that?

I’m all ears.

Take my money.

Take my imagination.

I need to change,,can you help?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

Can you?

What’s the answer?

I am failure, hear me roar,

Please please please please please please