dawn

Oh heavens…

I notice that clovers thrive in the summertime, they’re the harbinger of summer…and they grow these little beds of floral fluff,fantastic fellows of floral fluff,,,

And they have these white , bulbous looking little flowers against deep green patches.

The kind kids made crowns and tiaras out of…

Flower crowns,, you can tie them together…

There’s bugs in there, but if you eyeball the location first ,you’re probably safe.

Steer clear of anthills etc…

But you can lay right in it,right in the little clover patches.

And you can kick your head back and cross your ankles, you can pick one up, pluck the little petals out, one by one.

You can let your hands fall by your sides, and you can feel the numerous little leaves, little solar panels, you can feel them with the back of your hands..

So so many little living guys..

And they thrive in the sun,and you’ll find the most healthy patches near slight shade.

Next to an old tree but not right up under it.

And the whole thing has a very specific smell..Clover.

Don’t worry about the bugs, they’re so small. And as long as you didn’t choose an anthill, you’ll be just fine.

It’s worth it.

Worth the risk of little insect bites, it’s worth taking ten goddamn minutes and lying down.

And there’s the sky, and the breeze,and there’s the feeling of staring off into nothing, and it’s…uh.

Freedom?

Maybe it’s freedom.

Floating.

Like I’m not actually chained to this or to you right now. I don’t have to be a part of this and I’m in this little block of time ,and I get to go daydreaming and soaking up just the right amount of sunlight.

You don’t matter.

And you should be fucking grateful.

You should be grateful for being here.

And you should feel shame about all the complaining you do.

I know it’s human.

And I know this thing is complicated and terrifying,

And I know that we operate with the programs that we developed a very long time ago..

And I know there’s enough terrible things out there to justify fixation on what’s horrible.

I know it’s human.

And it’s not a good thing, it’s just an easy hole to fall into.

(Insert sex joke)

And I know that people develop these patterns and these coping mechanisms and it’s like,,

I don’t know.

Standing with a pile of bricks and then building a box around yourself.

But the bricks are invisible.

And every night you sleepwalk and place a few more..

And there’s keys for sale.

But they’re magic keys, and they only let you out for a little while, and they do cumulative damage over time.

All the while ,you’re boxing yourself in..

But.

There’s also little patches of clover out there.

And there’s sunlight and breeze and big puffy clouds,, and you can lay in that shit.

You can let your head fuckin wander.

It’s free.

(Time)

Yes it costs a little time, but you weren’t doing anything good with that time anyway.

What were you really doing with it?

Be honest.

Be honest with yourself….

I’d like to be in a patch of clovers, at least twice a week. Carve out a humble 15 minutes to go and face skywards.

Such a childish 15 minutes.But the good childish.

And my brain..

I wish I could express to you how much better I feel on a very low dose of Xanax, I wish I could convey it.

But it’s drugs, and drugs are bad m’kay?.

…..

I think it’s what other people feel like all the time.

I think it’s what’s normal.

I feel like I’m with the rest of you and I feel so goddamn weird about the other ways I feel, and the garbage I vent.

It’s pretty embarrassing.

Things can be good but you can’t even imagine it 90% of the time.

Which is so fucked up.

And It’s maddening if you find yourself living inside of that equation.

Not your fuckin problem,,all on me,and,,

Massive moments of character deficiencies.

And I’m navel-gazing…

I was trying to think about when I was lying out in the clovers earlier. It was nice but there was too much automobile traffic.

Engines and honking, and loud trucks are in fashion right now..the louder the better..Which seems silly .

(To me)

You have to go somewhere quiet.

Away from people, but not in an anti human way.

Just somewhere quiet..

And honestly spend a little time thinking..

Just fuckin thinking.

Try to point it at something positive..

I have no right to comment on anything.

And I ,,would give my left nut to find a way to get here-without intoxication.

I know, people trying to meditate all say the same thing..

“You don’t understand, my brain is different. This is exceptional hard for me, harder than it is for you “

Everybody feels that way.

Everybody has a lot going on in their head.

I want..

Better yet,,,

I desperately want…

A way to know peace.

A way to maintain a positive headspace.

Without perpetual intoxication.

And that’s a tall order.

And I can’t be allowed to control my own intoxication throttle.

And I don’t think I’m going to figure this one out.

I would take prescribed psychotropic medication if I knew it kept me closer to here.

Closer to what I perceive as “normal”

I would take those meds.

Even if I had to give up my hands.

I’m a wild fool..

The world is literally crazy, but you don’t have to take the bait,you don’t have to bite on and let the trap get you…and I fuckin do.

All the time…

You probably do too.

And everything can be broken down into psychology,emotional makeup, and backstory..

All of it.

But you don’t have to stay there.

Don’t have to live in such a rigid black and white,,every bit of it is in your head..

And a clover patch is a weed but it’s a good weed. And it feels like it’s around just for you..And a few days after it rains they get remarkably green. And soft..and you can roll your head over and see if you can spot a four leafed one,,

Just for the pure enjoyment of it..

And you know what I’m not thinking about?

Murdering people.

Mind diarrhea about how frustrated and miserable I am as a human being..

Maybe a punching bag…

Might be an answer.

This act,,,jotting stuff down,,it is not doing what I need it to do.

It never thinks about the fucking clovers, it never does the goodness or the sweet.

Just the sour.

And we feel infected.

And perhaps you can dig your way to the heart of the problem.

(Root)

Yes,, the root.

Way down there.

Armed with what you have, you need to venture out.And fight that thing, make peace with it, dig it up and look at it real hard..Stare at that shit…

Gross,, I have wandered into gross territory ..

I don’t want to lose what I’ve found .

And I’ll fight anything that threatens it.

I want wins.