I think if I went into an Ayahuasca ceremony with the mentality of ” this is when I put down cigarettes” this is the last time I smoke, and I will not be a slave to this vice any longer,,,, I think I could get there.
One of my absolute favorite drug experiences is MDMA, not even on some intimate shit, just on some being, hanging out and talking..
This thing would happen when I would take it, I’d have like, zero desire to smoke. The thought didn’t even come to mind and visualizing lighting a Marlboro seemed disgusting..
Maybe the worst part about drugs is that you can’t stay there..
The noise of the world comes back so fast, and you fall right back into circle walking, old patterns and behaviors,,,look out the window and notice the days flying by faster and faster.
I see it.
Christian values aside, “the wages of sin are death”
Mmm, hard to argue,,,,many are fine with it, many lean in and try to act like it’s cool, like even death is cool…
(It kinda is..)
That’s not the point.
The point is, of the things I’m ashamed of, that habit is way up there. I wish it wasn’t so ,and it’s coupled with time. Feels like it would take unbelievable and constant vigilance to put that habit down , which makes me a bitch. A victim of all that keeps you down, one example of the greater system. Just one example.
(Change or die?)
Basically.
I’m not that good alone and I’m always alone, I think there’s a reason for it, in this one slice of time.
I think Ayahuasca could break that shit, or maybe I just wanna believe in some kind of hope. Maybe electric convulsive therapy.Anything. Anything to become someone else, maybe a Time Machine,or magic potion, maybe an alternate dimension,,,
Alright, I’m alright,
Things are well and getting better.
I’m much happier about my 9-5 .This new position, feels like a lovely change and I’m ferocious about the work, in there killing it, engaged, no fucking off, excited for each task..
(They’re all digital)
But they’re new, and it’s creation, it’s a video game!
(Life is not a video game)
Yeah but, if I have a job that feels like a video game, that’s pretty dope.
(Sedentary…)
You’re right, you’re absolutely right, comfy working on a screen, sitting. A pitfall, but the mind is engaged, feels so much better.
(Sitting)
Yeah yeah but whatever , I’m happy to be using my brain.
(And you seek a breakthrough psychedelic session?)
Ultimately , yeah.
Not for my work life but for my personal, I kill any task and it’s old news, I learn them super quick and I win,, but the head,, the mind is different.
Mine is.
Not good or bad, just me.
( a lot of people think it could be dangerous for folks like you)
I’m well versed. I’m well versed in altered states, much experience. Intense and lite. Good and bad. I’m better in altered states.
( and you think that’s what you need to quit smoking?)
I’d try about anything at this point.
(You still have acid buried)
Yea but that batch was kinda dirty, really hard to find clean acid, not really an artform that makes it to my neck of the woods. Good drugs in general, it’s always been tough in this area, I definitely have more of a history purchasing and using trash drugs, cut , stepped on,
or just be gross and do pharmys.
Bleh. Nasty places.
(Nicotine..)
Yeah fuck nicotine!
Not even that, fuck tobacco.
Not even that , fuck cigarettes , fuck prepackaged hook sticks, fuck the mindless sensation of holding one, enjoying that long draggggg, maybe the first one in the morning, with crazy hot coffee and a dash of cream, maybe the one you smoke on the patio while you hold a double whiskey, maybe the one at lunch,when you haven’t had one, because you’ve been sitting at a desk,, a few hours without.
God damn fuck a mother fucking cigarette , I read that there’s 12% more addictive chemicals in them now, then when I started smoking. They just keep putting more and more, to hook deeper and deeper, till it’s a part of your fucking identity.
Evil cunts.
Those tobacco folk are evil cunts and they might kill me too.
Rat bastards..
ANd it’s no one’s fault but mine, which is ironic and sad and mucho bummerville.
dawn 