dawn

Nah, I don’t want to watch the world burn.

I’m just trying to get through this mother fucker.

Jotting moods helps, I’ll say it a thousand fucking times if I have to.

Neither destitute nor desperate, nor despondent nor derelict,, perhaps a little derelict,, Don’t do dependency any favors, The most adorable notion I see in people

“You think your opinion matters to me”

Or more accurately, you think your opinion of me matters to me.

Blah, rough day, I don’t like the fact that I can absolutely murder the task, but still feel defeated due to personalities around.

A fucking bummer.

People stuff,

You get it in your head that no one can kill your vibe and lo and behold, no one can kill your vibe.

But if you let someone in?

If you lower the gates?

It’s either their fault for being such an asshole, or it’s your fault for being so stupid, stupid enough to let somebody get at you.

Wash it away, chasing of the wind, bunch of stuff that doesn’t matter.

And not letting things ruin your day is a learned skill, got to shake it off, try to do something that makes you happy, fellowship with a friend, stimulate the brain, play some music.

Honestly with the kratom, I don’t really even think about drinking. It’s not my favorite buzz. Although it does make typing time pretty loosey goosey.

I don’t know.

Circle back around, I’m sure some epiphany is on the horizon, It’s got to be, right?

For the record, I don’t hear voices and I don’t experience hallucinations.

I don’t honestly believe that I lived past lives, Don’t necessarily believe in angels or demons, I do kinda believe in soul but the whole thing is fuzzy.

I did take drugs very far, I do have bad blood, and the church was the oven in which I was baked.

I’ve only loved two women, three if you count moms, four if you count sister.

I do not understand love.

I feel like I understand friendship, and the love of a comrade.

For the most part, I could not be taught. I refused to listen, just out of stubbornness. Also because mother fuckers lie. 🤥

And everybody doing the money dance. Or the mating dance.

A few people are probably doing the preparation for the apocalypse dance.

And everybody loves their own fucking team. To a fault, In my opinion.

When I was a more social critter, I prided myself on being able to move between the groups, to try to have real conversations with people different than I am.

And I feel disdain for planting your flag on an opinion or value, I don’t really think it’s solid ground.

I think flexible is the way to go.

When it comes to conflicts, I will win it all cost. Kind of ashamed of that, I will and I have scorched the earth. I burned down my own name on purpose, More than once.

Bridge burning mofo.

All right, I’m done dumping for the day, I know it’s repetitive as fuck with nothing to be gained.

I do not feel well today.

And that doesn’t seem right. Weather is beautiful, birds are chirping the sky is clear, North Carolina’s sweet spot between spring and summer, fall and winter.

Very beautiful out.

I’m not hungry, or homeless, I just feel very tired, and I don’t get enough sleep, and the most obvious answer is to exercise, take the correct medication, and get on with your f****** life.

Ebs and flow baby.

Peaks and valleys, waxing and waning, All that jazz.

I’m nobody.

And I had a realization about a friend, just by watching how they operate in game theory.

Running solo is fine, even player versus player, but when you enter the element of teamwork something odd happens. Some internal drive for competition, my friend group is musicians and even if they don’t admit it, they’re typically a very competitive personality type.

They have to be special. Their specialness has to be noticed, and they must be praised for being such a unique diamond unicorn, out here walking with us maggots,,

It’s a head thing.

A deficit, a dysfunction.

I still love them.

I just recognize the bottomless pit that lies in the center of their chest.

Maybe I got a little of that.

And I’m so far gone, I don’t even know what happiness looks like.

I don’t even perceive satisfaction.

I know peacefulness and I like that a lot.

I also know effort, and I know that work is required, every single day.

Not only to exist in capitalism, but just to feel well as a person.

That is the truth.

You don’t have to struggle to get that lesson.

Way down the line, self-motivation is a mother fucker, especially if you don’t like yourself. You will find yourself in a very stale and stagnant place, and sometimes it feels like there’s no way out.

But you’re not the first and you won’t be the last.

So suck it up buttercup.

Quit your complaining or at a minimum, do it where no one can see you, because that crap is toxic. It affects people around you. And if I’m not careful ,their emotions affect me.

It’s not a superpower, or gifts, or anything that I can figure out, I just know it exists and you have to keep an eye on it.

People are really difficult for me. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like. I know psychological warfare and I know the low. I know how bad it can get, depending on how you choose your dance partner.

But you got to like yourself and I don’t know how.

I hate this mother fucker.

(easy now)

Alright…

It’s difficult to be this mother fucker.

(victimization)

Fuck…

Fine..

You don’t get to do it over, any of it. Anything you say, any choices you made, any shame soufflé.

(you done?)

Typing? Yes I think I’m done complaining for today.

(others have it much worse, be grateful)

Yeah man, I know you’re right.

(It’s alright, tomorrow’s a new day)