dawn

I think scrutiny is another one of those words, I don’t think the meaning fits the word.

And funny,

I don’t think what funny is, I don’t think it fits the word very well.

Small word, big concept.

Bigger than big.,,

Skip funny, head to scrutiny…

Because we live in this amazing and frightening time period, because we’ve facilitated this organic relationship to a silicone god, you have to assume that it’s all in there.

The synthetic Book of Life.

(Book of judgement).

We didn’t know,, we didn’t know that every single expression we sent up, every little piece of creation we laid at the feet of the digital Heaven,,,

Eesh,,, didn’t know it would be forever.

Didn’t know your stain would travel through time.

And let’s just say, for the fun of it, let’s pretend that we caught the eye of someone with power. Let’s pretend that we actually landed on an ear, even if only briefly…

You have to follow logic.

A person in the know could sniff up your entire digital trail.

See what you thought, what you said, see who you were with, see how you behaved.

And holy shit,,,would the judgement flow.

(Yes)

SO you’re naked.

Every step that brought you to where you are is logged, and the enemy would nitpick and find the worst. No one would scoop up any positive thing you left behind,, just the worst shit.

I argue,, I’d argue that’s most of us. If you put a magnifying glass on the great majority, you could find lots and lots of shame..

So what’s the approach?

How would you navigate that scenario?

(Kneel)

Pretty much.

Admit all the bad, apologize. Stand naked and see who casts the first stone,,then challenge them, fight back

(lol, like you can)

Ratchet up the scenario.

If you talked enough crazy shit, to people in power,, they could stalk you. They could photo you, they could see every text message you’ve ever sent, they could see every marijuana possession charge

(It might make a person a bit crazy…)

Sure…

But get to the end.

“This doesn’t matter either”

No more than it matters that we’re circling around the sun. Summon up the balls to stand naked and still throw the middle finger, throw it even harder. Lash out and find the soft points of the enemy’s psyche.

Jeez…

Two points to make.

1-

All you can do is submit, own the bitter-ass truth. Admit it to the god of scrutiny and stand naked.

2-

I couldn’t have done this if I tried. I don’t think any person could ACTUALLY pull off what I did if they tried. It wouldn’t work if it was my intention.

(Fate?)

In hindsight I could tell you a few of the tricks., but you still wouldn’t be able to do it.

Be the heel. Let yourself be the butt of the joke.

Your expression only counts if it’s honest, as honest as you can be, tuck the ugly truth into a soup of lies if you need to, but there has to be some truth in your stories.

Piss off the reader from time to time. Make sure they don’t like you because ,deep down ,you don’t like yourself, and no one should ever think well of your horrible-ass self.

(So be real?)

I don’t know…

The only point was to do it, the only point is to do it.

And after a lllllot of thought,,,

I’ll never give up this place.

I need it.

And part of me is so incredibly honored to be read, and it means more than I could ever express.

Part of me was really really mad for being scrutinized. Not for being mocked, but just dug into, I’m a private person and it made me feel crazy.

But I forgive.

I probably would have done the same thing if the roles were reversed,,

I’ll try to stop talking about it,, but put yourself in my position.

(You needed to be judged)

I think I might have.

Became far too comfortable being a pile of shit,,,but…

There were moments.

I wrote very intense love letters to someone once, I wish the better moments could have been scrutinized.

When my friend was in jail, we exchanged some very heavy letters every week.

When I talked about my cat,past or present, when I talked about music, when I looked at how beautiful nature is.

I’ll stay proud of that.

There were moments.

I’m uh,, I’m really sorry about all of this. ANd I could sense (and this is crazy), I could sense that some people were on my side. So….

No lawsuit.

I forgive.

Please don’t contact me or talk to me through another medium.

You’re over there, I’m over here, I absolutely wish everyone the best, real talk,,,

Now….

Back to talking about diarrhea!!!

——–

3-21-24

The shit I took today was soooo compact. Like a brown snake that just wouldn’t end. The head of the snake was so fat that it actually hurt my asshole and I had to stop forcing for a minute.

I couldn’t make up my mind , whether or not I could push through the pain or if I should just tighten my anus and split the brown log in half.

Really tough decision.

I said a quick prayer and began to push with all I had..

The pain was intense, but once I pushed past the thick part, I felt such relief. A bit of a tickle as it pushed past the prostate gland.

So relieved.

Before I wiped, I just HAD to see this thing, and it was like,,longer than the toilet bottom,,,meaning,, the solid turd started at the hole in the bottom, and rode up the rail until it was sticking out of the water by about 2 inches.

Like my turd was playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater.

I was blown away,, just the compact nature of it and the literal pain in the ass.

I’ve been a bit constipated from taking that Kratom herb and I realized that I haven’t taken a shit in almost three days…. this thing was epic….