If someone uses words like “beacon” or “antennea”,,
Gruff, long and I mean LONG self inventory,,,
Christians are really into the idea of God’s plan, there was always a purpose for you and the only concept you kneel before has a very specific plan for your soul.
Romantic.
It’s a really romantic thought.
Imagine being a kid that loves stories and hearing that you have a chance at being a character in the largest story ever told..
Kinda puts the zap on ya, I mean, Holy Shit, the stakes,,,the reasons for the heavens and the Earth, the Hand that sews time put His eye on you, and you’re a special little munchkin, yes you are, yes you are, just a widdle sweet baby, a little child of God.
The stakes.
Those are some crazy stakes, right?
If it brings people peace and they behave well?
I suppose I can’t even hate,
Two things matter, peace and behave well.
Didn’t sit down to throw shade ,but everyone knows most of these Christians disrespect the game they claim to believe in.
The most judgmental , the most two faced, dos Caras…
And the God I grew up on hates those mother fuckers, he’s a vengeful one, spews the lukewarm out of his mouth, begs the Shepards to feed his sheep, the serpent bites the heel but it’s skull is crushed eventually.
Not what I was thinking about when I sat down to type, just an odd scenario that won’t get fixed here.
Alright.
Start simple.
I don’t think I’m a loser, I know I’m one. And that emotional message went on repeat for so god damn long, just circling around, over and over.
Cher slaps Thanos and yells “snap out of it!”.
The inventory is legit, nested into a cubbyhole of wallow, drawing the shades closed and only loving the company of a feline, shit man, drinking alone, smoking alone…
A gear has slipped off here, I said it’s better to be around people and I think that’s it. I feel I hit a nerve with myself, such a simple revelation.
True.
People need people.
Some more than others, sometimes in smaller doses, but it’s a simple truth.
Soooo,
Being around people also means judgement and competition, just the way it goes. They don’t care about you unless you care about you, and you care about them noticing how great you are and how much you care while acting like you don’t care, like cool people do.
Complicated right?
Some gears are off. Something in my process is amiss and always has been, it’s led me to this point in time..
So it’s dark and you’re in a room and the only light is your meager understand of flow. It might flicker on and off, you might convince yourself that there’s nothing of value there,,,
That little light carried you through, whatever things make you love being alive, the external world is the serpent and your inner gifts are the heel.
Now be better cocksucker.
Make a fucking god damn effort.
(Or die where you’ve decided to lay down at)
Just a funk, just a nearly 3 year funk, no big deal right? Just sorting. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes, catalyst can be tough when shit is bleak.
(All in the head)
Very much, very much so.
(This was a garbage journal entry)
Most are, it’s fine, just thinking..
I like it better when it’s silly and has imagination , probably my better colors,for sure. Took a bit of Kratom tonight,microdosing mushrooms in the morning at work,,, I dunno man, some people treat me weird when I’m dead sober, a lot of people, like I’m sick or violent or something, bums me out.
I may not need to be on small amounts of fungus for that, might not be the best thing.
Tomorrow I’ll try after work dosing.
dawn 