What constitutes as paranoia?
Depends on your batting average. You watch people long enough, and yeah, you can usually call it. Which is such an arrogant thought to even type down. But still… if you follow that spiral long enough,,, not great. Not a good mindset to be in.. “it sounds crazy,,but they might not be out to get you”. Just most of them 🤣
And that’s why people are predictable, most of the time.Like dogs, they just do what they do.
Then there’s Schizo, and that’s a longer story. Of course there’s a dash in the blood and I remember the first time I started talking to myself on paper.
It was coke. I was very naive and I didn’t know the golden rule,,”if you take the stimulant ride, you must have alcohol on hand, for the dismount” Or a benzo, or a barbiturate, Phenobarbital was one I was rather fond of…
Maybe 22 years old, a dive apartment and a shitty guitar, I’d burn through whatever I could afford. A gram, two grams.. and I’d just do it all, try to get up that endless ladder. When it was over, and every little speck of the powder was up my nose, I’d start to come down,, and man,, it was fucking hell. Like, hard to even describe, emotional wounds bubbling up to the surface ,, all internalized. I couldn’t get it out.
So I tried to turn to God. That mindset was still lingering at that age, I tried to pray but I could only feel shame, because it felt like He saw me. Crooked emotional vibes and crying pointed at the sky. I looked around in a panic,,
“there has to be some way to get this out”
I noticed my shitty little laptop, no processing power, no graphics ability, a bottom of the barrel device,,,but,, I could type and it made me feel better.
So I sat down with no plan.
(and there I was)
there you were…
(not the first time we met)
But the first time I let you exist on paper…
None of it is real and it never has been, 100% imagination, but at times it helps me facilitate what’s “right”. A counterpoint perspective to a bullshit faucet,, honestly, weird as it seems,,, it helped keep myself in check. Because there’s a part of me that knows I’m wrong, frequently. Which is fine, as long as you don’t hurt people.
But yourself is a “people”. A person.
dawn 