dawn

I couldn’t catch the beat.

An amateur can do things a professional can’t , they’re more worried about the heart of the matter, and they’ll bleed into the activity like no one is watching.

A hobbyist can do things an amateur can’t, because they know that no one is watching, there’s no relationship to the audience, they only do it for love.

All kinds of trees falling in all kinds of forests.

It’s alright If I can’t catch the beat or express anything worthwhile at the moment

Maybe just one, maybe just one ,,

I wish for a jarring catalyst to adjust course,

I don’t need society to fall apart or for anyone to hurt,

Just a personal thing, a sign from God,

But it’s alright, we keep going, I’ll find the beat again

—————

Community.

I was Recently exposed to an online community I was never aware,,people on webcams keeping each other company.

Deeper questions emerge .

“Why?”

Why would anyone want to be part of that?

What kind of people find connections through the internet?

Ah.

Sad ones,, super sad ones,

Loneliness becomes hyper aware of itself and you get to that moment of “ah, I do it too”.

A story of a woman in a video cam group, drinking with the group for a year, steadily,, then it comes out that she was pregnant the whole time and her new baby has fetal alcohol syndrome .

One example of many.

Easily mankind’s most lonely time period.

We escape and hide in there,

“At the vortex of lost souls, the lost souls find their shelter”-BC

That was way before the internet.

Anyways, picture 20 people with little webcams going, and they’re all in this room and they’re there every day. Forming bonds, flirting, emotional dumping, trying to be funny, trying to get attention .

Live microphone, live video camera…

This, my good friend, this is a microcosm of the internet itself.

The social part.

And the saddest end up there, because real life sucks, and in here you’re somebody.

Like a trick we’ve played on ourselves, and I fuckin do it too,

You could argue “I’m surrounded by morons”

but I’m starting to think , we’re all surrounded by morons, and you stay there and that’s why you’re a moron.

I’ve just never seen it so frankly.

I’ve never seen 20 faces in little squares bantering .

This…

(Saturn)

If you have children, this is what you want them to not be.

Fuck the stripper pole, fuck prison, fuck the crack pipe…

You don’t want your children to end up like this.

Perhaps escapism has become the true pandemic,

Perhaps that was the point.

Edge a little closer to the glowing light of Parallel human spirit,

Existing in the same moment as you, kindred…

Eesh, cuts me like a paper cut. Stings…

ANd maybe these people don’t have anything else, and maybe this is the closest thing to being close to others they have.

Ugly and sad,,

Maybe that’s what the “powers that be” wanted.

The internet makes or breaks people, topples empires, connects us all together,,or maybe it’s just a byproduct, the sad ones…

If a town is big enough there will be homeless, there will be crazies, there will be monsters and murderers,,,

With enough people you’ll have groups of the sad, and they’ll try to find meaning any way that they can.

ANd people will make money off of that…

bizarre to look at,

Not sure if there is anything to be learned,,just, bizarre.

No one is going to unplug it, it’s up to you to unplug yourself, I suppose you have to be strong enough…

I’d rather pray to Saturn.

I’d rather seek connection to something else, anything else.

Something bigger, something in the distance humming a tune just for me. It knows my ear, knows what I like. Knows the antidote to every nameless frustration , notes right in my wheelhouse. Strong when I’m weak, clever when I’m dull, humbling when I think to highly of myself.

Ego, ID, superego.

Some place far away, they might be able to shake hands, and I won’t need this anymore. I’ll be so complete that I won’t run from groups, won’t be turned off by looking at them,,

I was told as a child, by a doctor trying to make me feel better about taking Ritalin,,

” the Hindi believe that persons with ADD are at the end of the reincarnation cycle”

I had no Idea what reincarnation was, no point of reference because it was all voodoo and evil..l

Later on I learned, and I said “hmmmmm”

Lot of mother fuckers from my generation got a bullshit diagnosis, to sell some pills.

Or.

This wave of people have a lot at the end of the cycle.

A romantic concept.

Part of me hopes it’s my last time around, part of me doesn’t believe in any of it,,

Romantic concept though.

Is it your last time around?

Have you learned everything?

Everything important?

Impossible.

(Have you paid for your sins?)

Also impossible.

More to digest, not enough time to think about it all,

Romantic concept.