dawn

I have to straighten out for work tomorrow,have to get up early and get your eyes clear.

God damn I don’t want to sober up.

There’s nothing cool about it, and eventually I’ll die.

It’s so difficult.

I’ll die.

(Tsk tsk)

I can’t make it a week without something.

Fuckin drag.

The extract is just pacing and smoking, and you do that for hours. Till your feet are sore. Almost to a compulsive level. Pace,smoke, think.

That’s the result of what I’m taking.

Incessant pacing.

I know I can’t continue like this, not much longer.

I scratched out booze.

But like, I can’t.

I’m simply not strong enough.

I can fight anything but I can’t fight the procession of time, that steamroller,and you develop a cruising altitude that’s up above, but it’s lonely, and it’s very isolated, and you feel like you deserve it.

So you sink.

And you escape.

And that feeling of “up” becomes muted, your personal perceptions of personal strength and value.

Confidence.

Self care.

Plain ole’ “give a shit”.

And it’s and it’s and it’s…

Wrong.

It is the wrong way to experience this life.It is the absolute wrong mindset, it is how you %100 nullify joy.

God ain’t empty, you empty.

And this is my description of the rut.

And I’m so full of shit and I absolutely posses the ability to manipulate.

I watch how people’s opinions behave and I get some weird kick out of that “subgame”

Full shit, slicker than owl snot, running everything in my head forever.

Until it fits.

Till it makes sense..

I’m wrong on this.

Say it in front of God and everyone.

I’m wrong.

I cannot engage with intoxicants, because I turn it into a mediocre medicine everytime.

And it’s a bandaid on a bullethole, and my attitude sucks, and I deserve what I get.

And there it is!

(Try not to let it get you down lol)

It’s beatable, just need catalyst.

You can fight.

I have to straighten out for work tomorrow.

And I’m pretty disappointed with myself.

(Feel good hit of the summer)

I know.

Let me wear some shame…

(We’re not getting anywhere with the pace, it’s just a compulsion)

Fuck me, god dammit fuck my shit,ugh,,

Fuck my shit. Fuck this shit,fuck that shit. I hate you.

(Hate being wrong)

Hate everything…

Saddy sad.

(Trap)

Aye, trap.

Fuck this blog entry, i want a redo..