dawn

There’s no place where you can be honest with yourself, and that’s why I’m afraid to give this up.

It doesn’t have anything to do with anyone.

Also, I’m nobody.

So I’m free to say whatever I want.

It’s not about you.

Perverted,right?

That there’s something out in the world that doesn’t have anything to do with you.

The fuckin nerve.

On that principle I stand.

On that principle I am alive.

I’ll yield to my own brain chemistry.

And I’ll admit the past and the folly,

But you don’t get to take this away.

It’s not yours.

And I refuse…

Now, with that said,,

Some people should be dismantled, and some people should try to remake themselves.

Jesus is a wash, because of how awful Christians are.

Buddha requires a calm mind and mine has never been.

Science requires effort,

Diet,exercise and legitimate chemicals for a legitimately wrong brain.

You could do the codependent thing, which I have, wrap your identity up in a partner and try not to notice…

Try not to notice that you sought out damaged people because that’s what you are…

Am I leaving anything out??

Buzz..

You can hold down a day job and medicate your brain at every corner.

Been there, for years..

The fuck is a catalyst>?

What in the good-god-damn-mother-fuck is a catalyst?

A health scare?

The death of a loved one?

Getting fired from a job?

I see people on YouTube with every angle of life advice,

I am at a point where I require direction.

I’m supposed to trust you?

You???

I’m supposed to believe that you know what’s best?

You’re all just people.

ANd I watch you do the same ole shit everyone else does.

I got one guy that seems to lovvve talking shit.

Which is the sign of a bitch…

You won’t win.

Time is the only thing that can kill me and I refuse to stop speaking into the abyss.

Or have a laugh, honestly don’t care.

Your world is fucked…

You know it, I know it, and giving into the perspective is where the spirit dies.

Really is…

So I can walk around with that, when the mood hits, or I can jot that shit down.

I do not apologize.

And Samantha is a liar and a manipulator. Worse than I…promise…

But none of that matters, just a decade long mistaken investment.

It happens.

The sex was amazing and the fellowship and companionship was the best I’ve ever had,,possibly will ever have.

When it was good…

But it got ugly.

And it got hurtful,

And that one loves playing the victim, or making you out to be a villain.

I’ll never let myself be in that position again. Not ever.

Hurt like you can’t know.

How bout Mom?

Wanna get uncomfortable?

Well,,,right before Pat left her, she spread the word that she was diagnosed with early Alzheimers.

I never went to med school, I don’t know the timeline, but she made it out to be a big deal.

Now I’m trapped here.

ANd she knocks out a fifth every other day. And she guilts me with the same flavor as Samantha,,not a coincidence.

She was all alone,

And I know her so I know she’ll get worse and worse..

She’s the type of drunk that will light a cigarette in the garage, with the light off,,and she’ll just stare.

She’ll just fucking stare for minutes on end.

And when I go check on her, her cigarette ash is the entire length of the cigarette.

Meaning.

Meaning, this bitch has been staring at nothing and getting lost in her own drunk head for 5 solid minutes.

DO you enjoy this?

Get fucked, this is why I’m here.

I Just unloaded my shit on you,,

Unprompted.

Do you have a place where you can do that?

DO you have anywhere to go, anywhere to speak your bullshit?

I won’t give it up.

I’ll make you go the fuck away,but I’ll never give it up.

——

I like my cat a lot.

I don’t like rednecks for the most part.

I like my guitar gear, I hate the fact that you’re expected to be a “performer”.

I can’t be in a healthy relationship at this phase , because of all I listed above.

I quit drinking but I’ve become a Kratom junkie, which is expensive.

I live for escape.

Video games, headphones, anything quasi creative…

I don’t consider myself a creative.

I do consider myself a failure and that’s fine, time is wearing on me and I see it.

I’m not suicidal.

I get thoughts and I’m not afraid of writing them down, because you don’t matter, but it’s just venting.

I know the score.

Sometimes I really DO hate people, but I realize it’s an illusion.

I absolutely don’t trust them, because look at us, look where we are, I called it correctly as I always do.

When it comes to people.

I know the score.

(Mostly)

I don’t talk to myself in real life.

Only on paper.

I’ve come a long way from where I started,with work.

I paid my dues.

I only have a few close friends , which is how I like it.

And I have a long of anger.

I’m also not violent, never been,

I love typing silly shit.

When you’re in a good mood, it’s such a fun time .

I think mood is the key..

I regret a lot, but none of that matters now.

I am a survivor.

And I wish people would get along.

And I wish life and business were fair.

I think socialism is silly but I %100 understand why people would despise capitalism.

I get it.

Turns people into cocksuckers.

Fucking monsters.

But you’re alive for like, this long (finger gesture),, that’s all you get…

——

Now,, after typing,, I feel better.

And that’s the novelty crusade.

Just some fuckin place to talk.

And I stand by it.

Not the words, but the place.

I give a fuck if you feel me, it doesn’t matter… what matters is having somewhere…

(And stirring up shit)

Not proud of that, but it’s a talent.

ANd a crowd is easy.

Sooooooooo..

I won’t stop.

Not until I’m dead.

And I have moments…

Kiss my butt.