dawn

I was reading this forum and the members kept talking about a narcissists “supply”.

I had never heard that term before and in my little brain, it can only relate to “attention”.

Your attention is required for this type of monkey.

Always some shit in crisis, always high strung, always depending on the social.

And that’s a really difficult part, a difficult part of having a narcissist eat your god damn soul.

Or break it.

The need to bring yourself around others, the paralyzing fear of being alone.

I don’t suffer from that.

And I obviously prefer it.

Soooo,,

You get formed as a child, then you seek out these power dynamics.

And you have no idea why you do it.

You have no idea why you do the things you do, or why you avoid the things you do.

No idea why you prefer what you prefer.

I like it quiet.

I do not want your attention.

Just want to figure things out , without dying.

Without triggering or having anything to do with the outside. I don’t like them.

I’ve also reached the point where I realize that I need chemicals for my brain, it’s too much.

There’s too much in here.

Catching a buzz doesn’t seem to work like it used to.

And uh,,,

There’s no violence.

Not at the core.

There’s confusion and anger, but I know the difference.

I do not derive joy from bothering people.

Just you.

Because you deserve it too.

Jokes.

Perhaps Israelis that disagree with their government should abandon the country. lol.

You could say that for America too.

And some things can make a monkey mad enough to fly planes into buildings.

Mad enough.

Crazy enough.

Insane.

Insane….

I’ve read that bipolar medication has come a long way and I could potentially get a script through a “virtual session”, covered by insurance.

Takes 30 days to work, those types of things, but maybe I can stop dropping $40 a day to take a drug causing me to chain smoke cigarettes at $9 a pack.

It’s a mother fucker.

This whole thing’s a mother fucker.

And I stand my ground on what I truly know, what is unquestioned deep down.

You

Don’t

Matter.

And I don’t care what you think.

I don’t matter either, so fuck what I think.

If you put creepy music over a picture of anyone’s face, you can make them seem dangerous.

I still quit drinking.

I’m and I never killed anyone.

You can’t expect me to like them.

That’s preposterous.

That’s asking way too much