dawn

Youtube scrolling is fucking me up, my algorithm seems to think I’m an artist or something, it knows I’m fond of comedians, and apparently I enjoy seeing Palestinian children crying.

Feels like that shit is playing you, the whole world. Sink your head into your hands and let the thoughts spiral,

I glance at my phone and think ” I don’t believe you’re making my life better” then it vibrates

How sweet, how incredibly sweet. I’m not good at making friends because I keep distance,hardcore. But also, my chess nemesis forgot how to use “you’re”?

Calvin will bury you on the chessboard, real talk. Hyper intelligent dude. I like his and his girlfriend’s company because the conversation goes all over the place, we chat about all kinds of stuff, topics great and small.

I get,,gah,,, I get mad about shit, and I type it.

It wasn’t supposed to land on anyone’s eyeballs, so like, I’m sorry.

I don’t like being hateful. I don’t like being sad. Don’t like being negative even if I’m right about any given thing, I realize that I’m mostly wrong .

When I leave, mom is gonna spiral out, even more. You’d have to live it to know. But like… I’m dying, I came to help but there is no help to be given, some things are permanent , I’d imagine in your 70’s, you’ve gone too far to look back and see what happened, what made you how you are.The way cycles work, it’s not really my story, it’s her story and her mother’s story.

After her mother ( my grandmother) died, it came out that the family tree wasn’t what we thought.

Her mom was a child of rape, by a terrible man, and he ended up being a legit killer. A murderer.We were told he was hung by a mob, way way back when, town justice.

The baby was taken in by a couple with love in their hearts, she was told that she was biological family.

Until she was 30. And she never told her children. SO the bloodline was a lie.

I have that man’s blood in me, the rapist, the murderer, the executed. The man that the group got together and said “fuck this guy”. He is still alive, and he types.

Some blood needs to stop.

Or perhaps blood is seeking redemption for all the wrong it’s done.

I dunno.

I’m glad I’ve made friends with Calvin, he’s putting his dog down and started texting because he wanted to talk to a friend, and I was,,,honored, I guess that’s the word. I’m here for you man. I made a friend🥹

And codependency real as fuck.

I want a phone without a camera on it, I catch myself being unnecessarily paranoid sometimes that a stranger might be looking at me, weird right?