dawn

(Where are you?)

I am in recoil, sorting the complications and trying to hold down a job, trying to do that social thing.

(Covered a lot of ground in here)

And now the planets are telling me that it’s time to go,,,,

Start over,,, start the fuck over,,,

Squeeze it and it dies, turn it loose and it flies away, there’s no place of magic or meaning if you’re looking for it.

(So what’s left?)

Bitching about the day to day, just like everybody else.

(Try)

——————-

I like looking up at the sky at night.

I like seeing a jet way up there, I like noticing the trail of cloud it leaves behind.

I like remembering that there’s people up there,in that little tube…up there while I walk on this dirt and mutter to myself, there’s an entire group of people up there.

High above, 30,000 feet.

How could you not be amazed?

Neil Armstrong said something along the lines of….

“When I was on the moon, I held up my thumb and blocked the Earth from my eye.

ANd every problem I ever had, every stress, every struggle and failure,, was beneath my thumb at that moment”

Talk about a head trip.

Talk about a perspective soufflé .

Forget about what you have, forget about what you face and what you survived,, the whole thing is microscopic against the backdrop of the cosmos.

Scale.

True scale.

You are not that important,

Beauty fades and the most beautiful will just be a bag of skin one day.

The most wise will be hobbled by age, they will drool and they’ll lose track of their thoughts.

The most wealthy will rot in the ground, just like the rest of us, the most popular will be forgotten…

(Depressing shit)

I know right?

Not a great line of thought.

Hardcore truth, still,,,, not a good way to think.

(Unless you’re trying to dig deeper)

Which is an entirely different can of worms…

———————–

I put my head into my hands and unintentionally feel my own pulse through a fat vein on the temple.

“throb, beat, throb, beat”

Blood moving through, carrying oxygen, brought in by the lungs, traveling throughout the circulatory system.

I am alive and holy shit is that statistically unlikely.The numbers boggle the mind.

And music works.

No one knows “why” it works, but it does.

A thing that makes no sense.

A mathematical expression of emotion..

It’s alive too, and it travels through time, influence, observed beauty and genius, learned and taught and globally loved.

Technology travels through time, and builds upon itself.

Stories travel through time.

Creating a response that is felt and remembered, that travels through time.

The great grandfather was never actually blood at all, but when we were very little, he took us into a small bedroom and said in that thick Southern accent.

“You recollect me, ya’ hear?”

Wreck-oh-lect me..

Some divine desperation in the way he said it, in that thick mush of Carolina speak.

I was just a little boy and had no way of knowing what he meant at the time.

He was begging.

“PLEASE remember me”

A very old man, thinking deep enough to know he was at the end. ANd he wanted us to remember, so that maybe his life would travel through time. His story, his name,

Some-fucking-body would be able to say

“This guy was here”

And the existential chorus cries out, and the orchestra swells and all the lost people from the past whisper at once….

“Fart joke”

—————-

I undercut that, but the sentiment remains the same,,,

I’d say “it’s human”.

It’s human to want to fight against time and death and that inevitable end we’ll all travel to.

So I guess you speak,,,

And I wouldn’t trade that for anything,

Someone told me that I should help people and the hard reality was,,,shit man, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

Too selfish for too long.

Ego death might be the ticket, might be just what the doctor ordered, some hardcore piercing of alll your own bullshit,,,

Also such dangerous business.

That talk of “surrender”

Surrender to a God, or the universe or to time itself,,,must be nice,,,

I’d be lying If I said I never think about it.

Terrifying.

But life can get so god damned bland that it takes something terrifying.

(In my humble experience )

Aye, say it true.

You can travel lite and carry not much at all, but still,,,,,

A big ball of spaghetti ,, just a tangle and twisted knot…..

(Bitching…)

Shit,, I guess I did, didn’t I?

I fell back into bitching and there it is again.

Alright, tomorrow is a new day.

The keyboard helps too much to throw it away and that’s a simple truth I have found.No apology for that one,,, none,,,

You’re fucking alive, time is short,