dawn

Losers don’t get to have voices, not traditionally , then the internet and poof, everyone has voices. And faces and lives and stuff they’re doing. Like some kind of, I dunno, projection.

I was told that I treated social media all wrong, it was meant to be a PR campaign for how awesome you are,

Grew tired of competing so I started to use it as a goof, most likely an underlying desperation to be seen and heard, possible..probable. That’s the point right?

Then you realize you can play with peoples opinions or you can try to shock, or whatever whatever whatever.

I’m not proud of that.

Not proud of saying awful things, not on da social medio ,,

Here is different, I invited none so I’m still in the right, but those media platforms,,, I dunno, troll itch, the itch to win , to outclever some stranger, whack sauce, waste of time and a puny dopamine hit, fruitless…some yucks,, but overall wasteful.

I’m not better than anyone that uses them , I’m not cool or anything, Just not for me. I like saying really stupid things, and fucking around with people, try to get them to hate you, try to creep ’em out sometimes,, I dunno.

Whack behavior.

I remember reading something about cognitive behavior therapy, let’s break down the phrase.

Cognitive=thinking

Behavior= the shit you do

Therapy= trying to fix, trying to remedy.

Soooooo, thinking about the shit you do and how to fix it.

Rewire your OS,turn your bad feelings into good feelings,,,

You don’t want no part of this shit….

Seriously though, that concept seems important,

Cog-nah-TiV-bee-hayv-your-thair-ah-pee

9 syllables , I think, let me count,,

One,two,three…yea 9.

Gotta change the way I think….gotta be someone else,

———————–

I cut this guy’s throat at work, in a shitty shitty way, he came at me first,he was the aggressor. Psychological warfare out in the workplace,bunch of goddamn wilder beasts.

I tried kindness, really did, had to do what I had to do.

We’re all cool now.

I’m such a liar, I fell into the petty people games,I talk like I’m above it but I’m not, I slip into that shit too.

I just want to work, and not be fucked with, not too much to ask.

—-

It’s tough to stop scrolling youtube, I swear to Christ my algorithm is talking to me, but that’s impossible.. the weirdest thing, there’s always something next, just waiting waiting for your little finger to drift past it, connecting thought and intention and strangers and money and applause and criticism man I don’t know. I don’t know. No place in it for me, just passing by, just looking at the windows, seeing what all the cool people are doing, weird .

The fucker is weird, the whole thing.

I wouldn’t say bad, maybe just “alive”

Tough to explain what I’m thinking, connections that only exist inside of my head. I’m having trouble getting to sleep.

If I quit YouTube and online video games, I would be completely untethered to the digital outside. And that would make me completely free inside of here, seems like it would be a liberating feeling