dawn

Talked to this one for a long time.

Just to talk, to have someone to do that with.

And she was right there.

Add doses of time and depth of talks after talks after talks.

Intimacy occurs, undeniable, you get to know a person and they get to know you.

So I observe and I see all the signs of fondness, the way she talks and the way she listens and the things she said.

Getting to know someone.

All of it.

Hopes and fears and wants and regrets.

Shit you learned along the way.

And this goes on, a few clicks above flirting, months.

In the digital, on the phone, on the internets.

Must have had enough.

One day she tells you she’s married.

In a loveless marriage , where both parties have become completely fucking sick of each other.

She was eating your attention.

She was returning it to you for emotional supply.

She didn’t want the affection to stop, didn’t want the talks to end,, so she never told you.

ANd you can shake it off, fuck the jealousy monster, he will have no hold over me and mine. Has no place with this one…but

(Trust)

Ugh, hurts.

The concealment of that one detail.

ANd the bitch of it is, I don’t feel sad for myself.

Don’t feel sad to lose the connection or emotional intimacy, I’ve practiced and experience what to do..

But I feel fucking bad for the other guy.

The guy that has no idea,

No idea that his girl is going out into cyberspace and looking for intellectual stimulation.

I feel bad for him.

Poor bastard.

ANd I refuse to be the other guy,

So this ends here.

I walk.

On principle.

I don’t need someone to love me.

I don’t need to be close to anyone and it always goes South..

She got me though.

I did not see the game or motivation.

Feels icky.

I feel gross.

I told her so much, and they weren’t lies.

Because I’m sick of lying.

Exhausted with it.

And the whole time, she was there for me, really there.

Texts, calls,encouragement.

You think I give a fuck about streaming my guitar playing?

I do not.

I was trying to show a girl that I’m good at something, trying to convey “value”..

And it was just a game.

(Not your first encounter with a game..)

I DON’T LIKE BEING STABBED!

I don’t like being hurt,,

Don’t fucking like it..

And people are…people are…

(Complicated..)

Complicated.

(just like you)

But it was real!

We spoke on the level!

We were honest and revelatory and exposed and true..

(Would you rather she didn’t tell you?)

No.

Not by a mile..

It’s just,,

(Sigh)

Yes.

It is an exhale.

And if everything happens for a reason, then what the fuck?

(Maybe you needed to talk)

Needed encouragement.

Needed somebody to like you.

(Addiction)

Fuck!

Ugh.

Shoot me in the face and drive a nail through my penis. Bleh!!

Peel my skin away.

Send me into a time machine , so that I can prevent my birth, take away my name. Wipe it on your ass and make it like I was never here.

Forget I ever was….

UGH!!

(Feel better?)

A bit.

What a bitch situation,

I don’t consider myself a victim of it, but what a shit scenario.

You shouldn’t lie like that.

(You shouldn’t be addicted to attention)

And EVERYONE is.

Myself included..

People man,,, people.

Why do they do the things they do?

Why behave in such a way?

If you’re unhappy, then leave, leave and don’t fuck around with people until you’re sure you’re mature enough.

DO NOT manipulate emotions.

(You get what you deserve)

I know. But god dammit man, what the fuck?

I was going for brains and heart, she’s into psychology and loves cats.

What the fuck man?

ANd why did she cry when she told me?

And how could she conceal that secret so well?

Bleh…

Kick in the dick.

Field goal.

Punt with no return.

Shake your head,, not sad,,,almost in awe, in awe of the level..

Months.

Hours on top of hours on top of hours.

Talking bout real shit.

Talkin bout struggles and effort and darkness.

Getting closer and closer,

And then Wham!

“It’s all been bullshit”

(Maybe not bullshit, maybe just false pretenses)

Same fucking thing.

Not a trait of women or men, the trait of,,,,,,

(Emotional starvation)

And desperation.

Watching magic die over and over, being numb to it.

Wondering if it’s dead forever…

Ugh..

Lessons..

Maybe everything happens for a reason

(Because God fuckin hates you lol)

Shut your face, dick munch.

Shut your fuckin face..

I’m fine.

Now i get to think about it.

YAY!!

(No sadness)

Nah, too old for that.

Almost just awe…

(Now she wants to talk)

I’ll talk to her…if she let’s me talk to her man first