dawn

I like spending time with my cat, he’s a lovely little guy. I feed him well and he curls up and purrs.

It’s really nice and I’m really glad for those peaceful moments .

No one really knows how much I think or what I choose to about.

I don’t consider it to be important and maybe that’s a mistake.

Still better than not thinking at all 🤔🤔

I have been taking increased dosages on Kratom and the logic is “at least I’m not drinking”, it does help with that, not much itch for booze or pot but it’s a bit pricey. 15$ a vile and I might knock out, i dunno, 3-4 some days, it also curbs appetite which is good,, buttttt.

Not sober.

I simply cannot stand the experience of being sober.

THat’s blood and that’s experience,

Both nature and nurture ,, and totally my problem.

But I kill my job and keep earning, it’s boring because I’m up above it. I saw a killer show and thought of how fun it would be to have that job, not the people on stage but the sound guy. What a wonderful world of audio power. Tied to entertainment,,

I was raised to know there’s no stability in that, so I draw blueprints and get fucked up instead. Stay on the straight and taxpaying..

I think my parents were wrong, and neither of those bitches faced sober life either. Bad info,,bad fucking guidance, there’s either something wrong with me, or there’s something wrong with the game I’m trying to fit into…

Or both.

Could be both..

Probably is both.

But hey, no drinks, just fake opiate vibes after work with an increasing tolerance. And I am capable of telling the ugly truth to myself, at some point you probably have to be.

I’m going to think about it for a little longer.

I do NOT like being dead sober, annnd I don’t know how to deal with that,

Because my head is a nightmare..

lol

It’s alright,, we’ll get through it.

Kratom ain’t so bad, it’s not great, it’s not the worst thing you could be doing to yourself, cigarettes are probably the worst, that slow death ,,,

Alright, can’t fix the world,,, no drinks though.

Just me and my cat and my guitar and a keyboard, if the world was flooding I’d want those items.

Meh,,sad sad, but not the saddest, another day, tomorrow is another day.

Also I spent a bunch of money building an awesome guitar pedal board and I came to the shower realization that, the equipment I already had was better.

The fractal and the machine plus is a better setup than all those boutique guitar pedals I got.

Really stupid, that was a really stupid endeavor.

Sounds incredible though, but what I already had sounded better.

I’ll get past this and think of better things, I can talk to my friends, not everyone has friends