dawn

I’ll miss that fauxpium buzz, say it true,,, definitely will.

This doctor asked me what I’ve been self medicating with..

“whatcha got?”

I didn’t say that.

I said,,

Alcohol, marijuana, hard drugs when I was younger. Recently I’ve been using this stuff called Kratom,you see it at smoke shops..

I take it because it’s legal.

And the high is manageable…

Then she asked

“how do you sleep?”

I started laughing..

She said she wanted to start me out on SSRI’s.

“have you heard of that?”

Selective serotonin re uptake inhibitors..

Yes, I’ve heard of them..

Lexapro is popular..

Pretty sure most of the white trash side of my bloodline is on Lexapro..

Here’s where the lie came in…

I didn’t tell her about the things I feel. Or the lithium stint from my twenties, the depakote, the seraquill…

Didn’t mention any of that…

I could have been lying back then.

Coulda been confused..

No matter..

We’ll start at 5mg per day, as prescribed,

After a week, we’ll move up to 10mg a day..

And I’ll quit fauxpium through the first week..

That’s the plan..

I’ll be sad if it takes my hands.

Even if what I play is shit, it’s still my favorite thing.

I doubt an antidepressant could fuck with my sex drive more than fauxpium.

And diet and energy?

What do you want from me?

I said

“hey bitch, this shit is bleak!”

But I didn’t say that.

And she wasn’t a bitch at all.

She was very smart and locked eye contact with active listening.

The point isn’t whether or not she cared,,, she just listened.

Thanks lady.

I can’t expect you to see inside my head.

I can only summarize it in as few words as possible.

So… Coupled with anxiety, I could manipulate this scenario to get my hands on some benzos

Trazadone.

Benzodiazapine

Xanax.

I could play the role..

But I’d end up abusing them. You know it and I know it..

Probably get a few fun journal entries out of it, but what the fuck ever…

What’s that worth?

Do you think the world will end in fire?

Naturally that would mean war.. seems like a big one is overdue..

I don’t know anything about that..

I still don’t trust these fuckers.

And I don’t trust you..

But I can trust you to be you..

And the beat goes on…

Da da da da blah..

Dooo beeee sha la la.

I love my cat 🐈💜💙💜💙