dawn

Hey,,, I’m being serious,,, I’d skip this one.Hang up the phone, There is no point to it.

I understand there rarely is, but this one is particularly drivel …again.

It’s just about doing it, it’s not about it being anything.

Just doing it.

Fart on you, I don’t care.

That’s the only way I can get to the heart, by not trying to, don’t caring if it’s good.

————————–

Someone in a comment section told me

“the fact that you realize that you are not in flow,is flow in itself”

I thought

“holy shit!,,how convenient!”

Kinda like saying

“all we know,is that we know nothing”

Soooo..what now?

We know that both of those things are true.

Acceptance of the sheer size of the universe and our collective  meaninglessness.

But the youth inside you barks,howls,starts running in circles.

He doesn’t want to die.

Felt so much of life that the second half was just too dull, disenchanted.

So it’s a hurdle.

Not a death sentence but a hurdle.

“why care?”

(you tell me)

We killed God. Don’t know what’s real, but pretty certain that that entire book can’t be real.

(oh it’s existential tonight)

I have nowhere to put this.

(Which is where it belongs)

Fuck you, I’m being real, your opinion is but that of a bystander.Somebody passing through…

Why care? Why try? Why involve yourself with others.?

(Because it’s what people do. It’s nature,,The correct way is to not overinvolve.You can’t be mad at all of them because you gripped one too tight.)

So it’s just me? That shit isn’t fucked up out there?

(I didn’t say that)

(I’m saying your deconstruction is the opposite of helpful. Your cop-out is a cosmic cop-out)

There’s no point…..

(Boo-hoo. There is only no point because you say it.There are waves and lights and shit you can’t explain)

Why crawl out?

(Why do anything?)

Sickness and mood?

(I don’t honestly think you’re sick. I think you’re moody and wallowing for about 3 years now)

Gets old.

(Yeah no shit)

——————-

Alright. Alright alright alright…

(Start with what you know is true)

I’m wrong. I’ve done everything wrong.

(Good start..)

We don’t matter..

(Try again.)

Alright.. we are alive for a very short amount of time.

(Continue)

A lot of people claim that they know the truth, afterlife, relationship to the spiritual.

(True…)

A lot of people claim to exist forever, eternally …afterlife.

(Drifting,,,yawn)

I was told “this is what matters”,

(Doesn’t matter)

Alright, move past it.

We don’t matter but we should try to be good while we’re alive.

(Simple math)

Trying to keep up or compare yourself to other monkeys is a recipe for suffering.

(Also simple math)

If none of this matters, then I don’t matter and neither do you.

(Fucked up, but I follow)

Why should you care ?

(You don’t have to, you can isolate and die alone. You don’t have to affect anyone’s life.)

Think that’s noble?

(No)

But it’s safe.

(And there it is…)

Easy,cozy, requires no effort of care.

(You wanna die an asshole?)

With no afterlife.

(Not the question or point,,or known fact)

I’m terrified.

(Ok)

Being alive is intense and large numbers of humans freak me out.

Thinking independently.Just groups and groups, ganging up, behaving like a ,you know, group.

I don’t like being around them.

(You’re just fine in small groups)

I’m not afraid of them

(Oh we know)

Just don’t like being around people..

Would rather not be.

( yet another thing that could use exercise)

We’re getting nowhere, I’m going to step away from the keyboard and instantly return to the same garbage thought process..

(You gotta be the hardest headed mother fucker that ever was)

Pretty high up there.

(Pretty full of shit)

Bursting at the seams….

(Everything you do, more importantly, everything you don’t do)

There’s so much entertainment.

There’s so much to do in the headphones.

They don’t need me out there.

It’s better this way.

(Just easier.)

(Oh you clown shoes mother fucker…)

Alright,,,,alright,

None of this matters.

We’re flying through space.

(Full circle, right back to the start)

—-now, multiply this exact conversation to 40 times a day .

That’s muh brain.

And it sssssssuuuuuuuccccckkkkkssss.

I really am stronger than it…

But that fucking process ssssucks.

On repeat.

Everyday.

All-day/

I don’t think of it a decent into madness, feels like I”m just trying to find a point.

Can’t even get to “help others”.

Can’t even get to flow or doing anything positive for other living beings. Can’t get to kindness, can’t get to ego-free living, can’t get to not being full of shit.

Just an internal dialogue trap.

The record is always spinning.

You would do drugs too.

(Tsk tsk)

Perhaps you would possess enough discipline to channel it and break the mother fuck god lamb farting piss chicken clucking fuck out of it.

Strength, and stuff.

The will to survive is to brick it the fuck up. TO shut all that shit out. Visualize a massive light bulb in your head and just sssstroll over there.

(Click)

The world is off!

Look what I’ve done!

I just hit a button and made some social moves, now they’re all gone! Calling up to the god of selfishness.

“I have reclaimed my time! It’s mine! It’s mine to do with as I please. I was born! I ate shit! I became shit! Now the rest of this is jjjjjjjuuussst mine”

(Cop-out)

Yeah, still true.

I won’t be in this place forever, I have to believe that.

(Can you end on a positive note? From the heart?)

I hope people get along.

I really prefer that.

Can’t fix all the problems, can’t kill all the assholes,, but I hope people get along. It’s better when they do.

(Alright,, tomorrow is another day)

You’re cornball as fuck…

(Who cares? We’re on a rock flying through space????)

Hermit.

I could just escape and be a hermit.

(I bet you could embrace ‘small life’ without being a full-on hermit)

I like small life.

(We know..)

Comparison mindset is some dumb shit..

(Without a doubt)

You have all the super powers if you’re no one.

(Crazy)

Alright let me rephrase…

You’re completely free, if no one depends on you.

You are free to be free. And do the things that make you happy

(Without harming others)

First and foremost.

(I don’t think there’s anything wrong with small life. I think there is some wrong with people avoidance)

I hate em…

(That comes and goes..)

Bleh,,,

(Rise above it)

They’re so bad!

(I’m not going to get into this with you again)

Christians are bitches…

(Not all of em!! Fuckin dumbass)

They’re fake.

As fake as they come..

(Alright buddy, enjoyed being around your madness…)

Wait wait!

I can be clever,,,let me think of something…

(Cue the Jeopardy theme)

I got nothing.

But I wasted a lot of time..so was it a waste at all?

(Yes, yes it was a waste. You are a massive timesink and walking trashcan.The world is worse off for you being in it)

Think so?

(You’re fucking irritating)

I’m just having a high conversation with myself , what’s irritating about that?

(Jesus dude…)

Probably not real! Nobody knows!

(I take it back,,, you might be a little sick)

Just fuckin around.

The keyboard is a portal,

(You probably shouldn’t follow every asshole into every portal)

Sighhhhhhhhh

Sigh.

(Think you’ll get through it?)

I know I will.

Just hit a bad stretch.

Wounded.

Not down for the count.

(I hope you find what makes you happy…)

I have…

It’s you..

(You tryna fuck?)

Nah, just a romcom moment.

(With yourself)

Love you buddy.

(Love you too.

You screwball mother fucker you)

Ha!